Drowning Lessons

Getting very hard to breathe.....


Decisions need to be made and very soon.

The very prospect scares the living shit out of me.

What if I am wrong and you are right? What if I am just like mother?

I can't for the life of me pinpoint the day that it all changed for us. It hasn't been the same for so long now and yet I'm still here. Stupidity or pride? Does it even matter anymore? Constantly driven...but by what? Fear of being wrong? Fear of being alone? Fear of failure? When will I finally have to admit to myself that I can't help you. You won't even really let me try. You just won't let me in and you are hellbent on destroying me and killing my love for you.

Why must you suck everything good out of my life? Love is supposed to be 50/50, right? Bullfuckingshit...Never. Everything that was once so sweet and pure is now rotten and leaves a nasty bitter taste in my mouth. I want to cringe and pull away when you touch me and withdraw back into myself. Why? Because the same mouth you use to tell me how much you love me and how much you need me is the same mouth that tells me how stupid and insignificant I am.

So now, here I sit in front of this computer...my only refuge and you must try and take that from me as well. Why must you talk to me that way? Does it make you feel powerful? I would rather you just punch me in the gut because at least that would only hurt for a few minutes. Your words cut like a knife into my heart and I can feel the scar tissue beginning to form.

Now I must decide....Do I walk away? Do I stay and fight? Do I even still love you? I've lost that feeling and I can't find it. Don't blame me. You buried it under all your bullshit, fear, and hate. We could have had something really special....now there's nothing but resentment and hurt. I wonder if you will even care if I walk away. Will it even make you sad? Part of me wants to scream at you, part of me wants to hurt you the way you have hurt me.

But most of all...what I really want to say to you is CONGRATULATIONS, MOTHER FUCKER!! YOU FUCKING WIN! How does it feel to know that you killed someone? Do you like that shit? Do you like the taste of my blood? Because that is exactly what you've done, you killed the person I was. A sweet, honest, loving, pure-hearted, naive girl and turned her into a bitter, untrusting, resentful, vengeful woman.

A new person was born from that death and that new person is just like YOU. Thanks for the fucking life lessons....thanks for memories...and thanks for the venom, mother fucker.










p.s. "Well after all, we'll lie another day
And through it all, we'll find some other way"

Roll On Roller Coaster, Roll On....

...and On, and On, and What the F...?

My darling, I have not addressed you since the morning after FF2007. I hope all is coming up roses in your world and that your mood has not turned sour again. Me? Well, my mood seems to turn sour at least 16 times a day but that is what makes the sweet parts so much sweeter. Don't you agree? You have to go through the shit just so you can appreciate the good times...however, that doesn't mean we always have to treat people like shit. I'm still working on that last part....some people make it so damn hard to be nice to them. Oh well, Can't be great at everything. We will continue the constant inner battle with our demons and keep on keeping on. Moods will change as quickly as the Santa Ana winds. Of that much ,I am sure. But I am learning to accept my roller coaster of emotions...I hang on and enjoy the ride. It does have a tendancy to make everyone else nervous though. Awwh come on people, join us for the ride....Won't you? It's bound to get more interesting than this. Anticipation is the best part...that and the feeling you get in your stomach when you are flying down that hill. You know the one...where your stomach and heart feel like they are coming out of your throat! Whooosh! Hold on tight and don't close your eyes....You'll miss the best part!


Love to you always,
S

p.s. Scream

Words About Nothing Always Mean Something ??

How is it possible to have such strong feelings and connections to people that I have never met?

Secrets revealed. Stories shared. Laughter, tears, anger, frustration, and lots of love. Amazingly, we have found a nice comfortable place here. Bonds have formed where there used to be nothing but emptiness. We have found our voices and are learning how to scream beautifully. A new release has been discovered and words pour from our hearts onto a screen. How incredibly wonderful it is to share your deepest, darkest thoughts with someone and never be judged. Always reassured. Always something to say and always someone to listen.

We are no longer alone and we are no longer silent.

p.s. On life support, never pull the plug.

Excuse Me, But Is That Clarity You Are Selling?

How much for a whole jar?

Does it come with a guarantee?

Will it work fast?

I am in desperate need. My supply ran out a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to find any. I am suffering from clouded judgment and blurred vision. Unable to focus and wandering aimlessly down a winding path to nowhere. Would you consider a trade? I have much to offer in return. What do you need? I have plenty of empathy to spare. No? How about some guilt? Everyone needs some guilt for their conscience. How about some.....On second thought, maybe I don't have that much to offer in return.

Do you take Visa or Mastercard?

p.s. In search of, In hopes of, In spite of.........

Exhausting To Be So Close, Yet So Far

Sorry it seems as if some in here love nothing more than to keep beating a dead horse. Poor thing looks like one big bloody mess. The past? Well, all roads have lead us to right where we are at this moment. And this moment, right now, is all that matters. The past might have got you here and you might worry about tomorrow but you should focus on today. I should take my own advice...really I should. I would not condemn you. It's not my place to judge. We're all one step, one catastrophe, one death, one drink, one heartache, or one love away from being each other.



That's all I have for you right now. Now, come find me. It will be so much fun. I dare you.

p.s. it's not that tragic.

Time? Are You Ready to Punch In or Out?

Now that you have opened your ears and listened to us, could you open your eyes and look at us? Please turn around and let us see you. I want you to see me. I'm the one holding the flashlight for you so you can see your way down this path. I don't want you to do it alone and in the dark. I started this journey with you and I will not leave until you reach your destination. Beware, this will not be an easy path. We will encounter monsters, demons, liars, imposters, but don't be scared. If you continue to look ahead, you will see that your path is lined with all kinds of people. People who are ready to do battle for you. Are some of the faces familiar ones? Some will be people you've probably forgotten...some will be people you are surprised to see. Some will try to make you choose another path...some will try to stand in your way. Some will tell you to turn around.......Now, for all the right answers, you must open something else. Do you remember what that is? OK, I'll tell you...it's your heart. Are you ready?

So here we go...I've got on my best pair of walking shoes. Bring a jacket, it might get chilly. Let's do this shit.

P.S. and Some do it for no reason at all.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are....Don't You Want To Play With Me?

I promise to play nice....nah fuck that, no I don't. But I won't lie to you. I think I do understand you and that's what scares the shit out me. I wasn't always like this...or was I? Now, I'm lost. Lost in myself...but who am I? Do you know who you are? What the fuck do I want from you? Do you want something from me? Give, give, give, I give it all to everyone. But, is it only what I allow them to take that I give? Of course, this is such a dangerous game to play but I feel I am worthy. Maybe I am the only one who is worthy.....Nonsense. There are others out there much better than you or I. You lie to everyone. I hate liars. But sometimes lies are necessary, aren't they? Or is that what we tell ourselves so that we won't feel bad for lying. You know what they say about liars......something about our pants catching on fire. If you believe that sort of thing, what do you believe in? It must make sense to someone....life. Death. Death, THE FUCKING END! There must, there has to be some kind of pattern, some logical, mathematical explanation for everything. Right? Bullfuckingshit.....but that doesn't stop me from trying to make it all add up. Ha! Laugh all you want..but do you have it all figured out? You might think you do...good luck with that. You will wake up tomorrow and you will fuck something up again, just like you always do. Damnit...you must stop that. Some things can't be helped, I see. I see exactly what you want me to see and everything you don't. I see things you haven't even seen yet and it's frightening. Only for me, not for you. I can't warn you, you won't let me. Do you want to die? I don't want you to die. That's selfish of me.....Yes. Selfish. See, what you made me do? Now I care and now I feel invested. Stupid Girl, stop wasting your time. Invest in your own life. My life? What the fuck......I don't want to talk about me, I want to talk about YOU. This isn't about me at all.......Or is it?

Clever......You're much smarter than I realized.

P.S. Thank you.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Let's use the good china!

Are you finally coming to terms with something that happened to you in your past? Did you have to pretend that everything was fine and normal all the time? Does it now make you angry that you were forced to play that game? You have to deal with this now! You need to confront it, fix it, and throw the rest of this bullshit away. If you don't, it will fucking destroy you. You will never be able to breathe deeply and exhale. It will continue to haunt you FOREVER! Admit it, Acknowledge it, Release it....Let it fucking go. Bad things happened to you, but they don't have to define you.

Pride goes down better with a dose of humility.


p.s. Call me next time and I'll help you set the table. I'll bring some empathy for dessert.

AMEN

"Stop pointing fingers and take some blame
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live
Stop short changing your neighbors
Living off hand outs and favors
And maybe give a little bit more than you got to give"


Bob Ritchie


P.S. Go back and read it again....don't think you got it the first time.

Read The Signs And Check Your Map...Is That The Future Up Ahead?

Of course this is exactly what was planned because we all know how far in advance you plan things. Everything that has happened and happening still has been of your own doing. Forgive us if we have tried to stand in your way on your path of self destruction. Sorry if we hurt your eyes by shining a bright light on all your evils. Accept our apologies for not leaving you alone with all of your demons. Do you realize how lucky you are to have so many people throwing their time, their energy, their heart, their emotions, their souls, their thoughts into your life?

You seem as if you might have finally saw your reflection in the mirror or listened to the voices in your head. Did it scare you? Or did you like it? We're all friends here....be honest if you like the person you are right now. But I'm growing so weary of all the introspection. Could you for once make something NOT about YOU? Stop looking at yourself and look at others! Do you care about their pain at all? Do you care about their lives? Do you know what makes them happy? Do you know why they cry? Try on their shoes. Walk around and see how that feels. Are you feeling shitty that they are focusing so much of their energy on you? Oh, wait...I forgot. You like being dirty, don't you? Once you've walked around in their lives, then and only then will you be capable of really looking at yourself.

We're waiting........you can start with my size 5's if you like.

P.S. Deep, dark corners are where the truth is hidden. Have you found it yet?

Confessions & Ramblings of an Enabler

It is true that sometimes I start relationships with people because I think I hold the missing piece...pieces or peace. Like my relationship with you......I hate for you to feel alone and I want to surround you with protection. I stay near you because I like the feeling of being needed. I will show you that people can give of themselves unselfishly. I will love you unconditionally and expect nothing in return. I will hand you my heart and let you use it until you can trust your own again. I hope this will show you that you are deserving of love......real love. I know that you are just as passionate and hard working as I am. Right now, you are selling yourself short, but you are capable of so much more...things that you have only dreamed about. We can turn them into reality.

However, I can only show you what's missing. I can NOT complete you. We're all insecure. That doesn't make you awkward, that makes you HUMAN. It's time for you to take that painful look at yourself. To be delivered from evil, you must come face to face with the devil in the mirror. It might be the longest and hardest battle you have ever fought, but you can do this. I will stand beside you every step of the way and help you find the strength. It's in there....I promise. You might be shocked at what you find within yourself so don't be afraid to look. Kill those demons....one by one.

P.S. We all have our roles to play..........so, can I have my heart back when you're done?

Right Bullets, Wrong Gun

Feeling dark
Watching the rain
Trapped in myself
Going insane

Worries stay focused
On someone out of reach
Leaving my comments
But trying not to preach

I've walked the same roads
That you're walking now
Wanting so much to help you
But I just don't know how

Your moods keep swinging
So high and so low
Now scraping the bottom
How much lower can you go

We want nothing but happiness
and some peace in your life
No one is jealous of you
or your wife

The new love that you've found
I hope it keeps you warm
And reminds you where your heart is
As you weather this storm

People still love you
And we all commit sins
Nothing you've done
Should cause friendships to end

Heart beats fast
From the pills and cocaine
Everything to lose
Absolutely nothing to gain

Feels good for awhile
I know, I've had my fair share
But drugs fuck with your mind
And make you not care

Not ready to quit?
No! Not yet!
Playing a game
Of Russian Roulette

More and more untouchable
with each passing hour
You like who you are
And you love all the power

Too bad what you're feeling
Is just and illusion
Life is a game
And Buddy, You're losing

Tearing it down
and throwing it away
Your hole getting deeper
With each passing day

You'll wake up one day
And there will be nothing left
Except a few friends
And memories you've kept

So I'm begging you to wake
And open your eyes
Before someone gets hurt
Or GOD FORBID, DIES

Friends, family, and fans
We all watch and we wait
Please let us help you
It's still not too late

P.S. Starts taking more and more.

Nightmares About Magic and Everything Tragic

Lies
Told
Bought & Sold
Causing mass confusion

Truth
Lost
Paying the Cost
& Control is just an illusion

Or perhaps real

Going
Fast
Won't
Last
Reasons becoming clearer

Covering
Up
Excellent
Front
Until you face the mirror

Or perhaps you won't

P.S. Might not get a 3rd chance.

Never Too Late

No, it's not too late. As long as your heart still beats and you are living and breathing, you CAN fix this. Throw your pride out the fucking window. This is so NOT about who's right and who's wrong. Talk to them. Pick up your fucking phone and call them. Choke back that smug fucking attitude and wipe that stupid smirk off your face. Try on some sincerity and humility for once. Say you're sorry and that you've fucked up. I'll bet you a sharpie that they'll listen and that they'll forgive you. These are your friends. They're not trying to keep you from being happy, but they don't want to watch you kill yourself. Tell them everything. Tell them you want to stop. Tell them you're tired of the way things are. Tell them need their help. Tell them you can't do it by yourself.

Turn to the one who is closest to you and hold her. Trust her. Love her like she has never been loved before. Give her all of you, not just the parts she fell in love with. Have the kind of romance that people dream of having. Treat her differently than the others. Be the best to her. Be the best for yourself.

Apologize to your family for taking them for granted. You only get one and no matter what they've done to you or what you've done to them, they will always be your family. Make them proud. Be an example for your younger brother. Be his hero. Help your mother dry her tears for you. Go see her. Let her know you are going to be ok.

And finally, when you get up on that stage again, take a look around. Take yourself back to being that kid in the crowd. Memorize the faces of those who sing your songs back to you. Those are real people with real feelings. Don't take that power lightly. You don't have to be a hero just be yourself. Sign more autographs. Smile more. Shake their hands and TALK to them. It takes so little and it means so much.

There's still time.

P.S. You need batteries.

Blood

You were born and life as I knew it ceased to exist. Everything shifted and we now shared the center of the same universe. Nothing was mine anymore. Excited but unsure. Should I be jealous of you? Should I protect you? Should I be the one to teach you? What if I didn't know all the answers?

Through our life together, you became my best friend and my worst enemy. My grounding force when I lost control. You know my fears. I know you hate spiders. You know I cry too much, so you would make me laugh. I know how you hate to lose, so I would let yow win. We fought a lot, but never wanted to be apart. You know all my weak spots and use them to your advantage, but only because I let you. You are the only one who can get away with that. You are my constant reminder of all my shortcomings, but you accept them. We balance each other out so well.

I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you. I hope I am someone you can respect. I hope that I can still make you mad enough to think. I hope that you are never afraid to come to me. I hope we will continue to be best friends for the rest of our lives.

I'm so glad my life changed on that day. How lonely I would have been without you! I'm so thankful we shared it all together. The same blood, the same lives, the same memories, the same universe.

P.S. Remember 1987?