Addiction

I need it to survive.

To feel it flow through my body.

My heart beats faster and faster, and then I am calm.

A high like no other high in the world.

The withdrawal makes me lose my mind. If I am without it for more than a couple of days, I start going crazy. I scratch and claw at my skin. I can't stand myself.

I have it now. I am feeding my addiction. It runs through my veins. I feel it go through my body. I breathe deeply. I close my eyes. And I am there.....

Exactly where I need to be.


Transfused for another day, I have my fix.








And when it's done, I will play the song again. It's brand new each time.


I would die without it.

Ready, Aim......MISFIRE!

So, this is something I wrote a couple of days ago. I'm trying to read my scribbling chicken scratch. I hope it makes sense. This is how stuff comes and goes for me...in bursts. Like a fiery explosion going off in my head.

I am sitting here at my desk. Why am I not working? Because I can't focus. It seems to be a growing problem for me these days. Distractions. That's a harsh word. Okay, not really distractions as much as attractions. My mind drifts back. I'm back to that again. And it's a question that shouldn't even matter to me, yet it does. You matter to me. What a dreadfully long day this has turned out to be. It's terribly crowded in my head, but one thought stands out. Yeah, that one.

I'm here, but not really. Wonder if anyone at the top notices. I'm quite sure she does, but she leaves me to it. She can see that I am determined to get this out. Sitting across from me, it would be hard not to pay attention to me. I'm pretty good at pretending, but my little black notebook gives me away. The notebook that I guard with my life. It holds it all and I give it to you.

I need quiet and the phone keeps ringing. People can hear the disgust in my voice. I should learn to play the part and be nice. I might be the last person these fuckers get to talk to. That's a touch dramatic, but still. I already ate my lunch...slaw dog and tater logs. Southern fried greasy perfection. No, not really. It wasn't even close. I just want quiet time to write this and I am not getting it.

That will cause my moods to swing and shift and spiral downward.

Tee-dah! I am golden. I just solved a crisis. Not mine. Work related. Score one for Solly! I rock this multi-tasking thing pretty fucking hard.

Why am I talking to you about my boring life? I guess I have somehow convinced my twisted little mind that you somehow care inspite of me. Am I delusional in my assessment? Slightly, I am sure. I am the most uninteresting person that I don't really know.

Yeah, that's right.

Why would I bother to listen to myself?

I much prefer to listen to what others think of me.

Depending on who it is, I can build myself up or completely blow myself to bits.

Either way, it gives me ammunition for my gun.

Will I turn it on all of them or save one bullet and turn the gun on myself?

Lonely

With you

In a crowd

In a room full of people

Around my friends


I'm still by myself.



Seconds slipping slowly sadly from my Saturday.


p.s. I should be somewhere else.

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE'S TO ME!

I will tell myself.


I will be my own.


I will kiss myself goodnight.


I will hold myself.


I will love myself.




Starting next year.

Look For Me In Those Deep, Dark Corners of Your Mind

It's my hiding place. But not really. I just gave it away. Can you see me? Can you hear me? I'm talking to you. Yeah, YOU. Uh-huh, I know you hear me. I think I'll stay here for a long while. You need me here. You don't even realize it yet. But I will make you see. I will show you.

You can't get rid of me. Not that easily. I will take up residence. I packed my bags and I'm prepared to ride it out. As long as it takes. Do you know how stubborn I am? I never give up. I will infest your every thought. I will creep up on you in everything you do. You will try to push me out, but you will always turn back to me.

You will feel my love with every heartbeat. Thump...thump...thump. Slice your arms open and it will be my blood that spills out. Not yours. I feed you. I keep you alive.


And I will never leave you.

I can't.

I never learned how to leave. I only know how to stay.

And here is where I am.

For the rest of my miserable life.

Or until........


p.s. And this is how it could be.

I Keep Remembering to Forget Myself

How is that possible?

It's too easy.

What does that even mean?

Fuck if I know.

Who were we talking about again?

Nobody.....She's not important.