Why (not)?!.

I'm sitting here just like I always do. Here it is again. Sunday afternoon. Both comforted and terrified. It's exactly the same as it was last week and 40 Sundays before. Alone with myself. The person that I can stand the least is the only one who understands me. Suffocating. If I allow myself to become lost in my own thoughts, I might drown. Sometimes, I must confess, that is my fantasy. Not to drown and die, of course. Just to drown, drift away, and wake up in an underwater world. I would not really float. I could sit on the bottom and watch. But enough of that, here and now, I sit. Lost in words. Knowing this will never quite make sense and not really caring if it does. I just want something new to look at. Let's be honest. The other post was getting old and stale. I read my words too often and they lose their original meaning. It ends up just sounding silly. A pathetic attempt to make myself sound more interesting than I really am. I hope you realize as you are reading this, that 2 people are responsible for what ends up on this page. Me and her. Never quite sure who will speak the loudest or make the best case. I am only 2 hands that attempt to type fast enough to get the words out. Backspace and delete when they let me know that I'm not getting it right. I am a puppet and they pull my strings. I wish they would work together and get me the fuck out of here. Out of this chair. I sit crooked in front of this screen and it hurts my shoulder, but they are not finished. Not done. More to say. Don't they realize that it doesn't matter anyway. I sigh. They laugh. Not strong enough to fight the both of them off at once. Yet they are never separated.

Do you ever think? Think that everything is nothing but a big fucking pile of shit. Everything you thought you knew, thought you recognized, thought you believed in, thought was real, thought you could count on...........is nothing. It never existed. You created all this to get you through. To compensate. To get you by. To fool yourself. To not feel alone.

Silly girl.

Look around you.

Do you recognize anything or anyone at all?

What do you really know?

Who do you really know?

Do you even know yourselves?






Liar.

so glad you came

lamer than lame
dreadfully mundane
moderately insane
standing too close to the flame
while praying for rain
aboard the crazy train
folding a tiny paper airplane
fake happiness and fame
always the same
does no good to complain
I never refrain
from scrubbing the stain
or going against the grain
circling the drain
my self inflicted pain
mangled and maimed
I suck at this game
padlocked and chained
with nothing to gain
making no claims
naming no names
adrenaline pumps through my veins
pulling tightly on the reins
in the wrong fucking lane



with only myself to blame



("What? You really thought I'd blame someone else?")




As a side note and to further EXPLAIN how lame and insane I am, it took me more than a week to realize that I had made a stupid spelling mistake in this entry. Fuck you, blogger. You should be able to just know what word I am trying to use. Want to know how it CAME to me? As a vision, right before I was about to attempt to fall asleep. Like a flash....reign, rain, rein....damnit! And it still took me damn near 2 days later to fix it.

And that, my friends, is a true fucking story.