Collage

I've got issues serious issues not the subscription kind more like the prescription kind but I don't take pills mainly because I don't have a prescription and I don't read but I keep the magazines just for the pictures and I cut them out sometimes, well not, really, but once I did and it turned out kind of nice and pretty and I had fun doing that and it kept my mind occupied and my brain focused and at the same time it allowed me to be totally free from any and all boundaries and rules because that's kind of what a collage is, just a big hot mess of stuff, all glued together to be one big picture, and you don't always get the right piece in the right place, so you just add more glue or you add more glitter or you find another word or another photo or whatever, maybe it's a butterfly or a heart that needs to go there, and sometimes the glue runs, and it kind of hurts a little, because you can't do anything about it, it's in my nature to want to fix it, it needs to be fixed, it should be fixed, except that it can't be fixed, accept that it can't be fixed, and just accept it for what it is, so you laugh it off, and you turn it into a joke, or an emo teardrop is what I called it, and it was okay, though it still bothered me, it did, and yeah, I'm stalling because I don't know how to start this, or stop this, and I figured that it was in my best interest to just let this thing go where it wanted and not be bound and gagged though gagging is what I feel like doing right now why in the world would writing something that makes no sense or no difference it can't really do anything make me feel this sick to my stomach I don't know why or how I got to this point anyway wasn't it just yesterday and wasn't tomorrow supposed to be the day and wasn't today supposed to be the best day and when did it all turn or maybe it never did maybe nothing happened at all and it was all a big dreamy dream of a life that I made up in mind that I never could decide on that I never could pick for myself someone always has to choose for me because I suck at decision making and I suck at choosing and I'm scared of being wrong and I'm scared that I will hurt feelings possibly your feelings and I don't want that responsibility and I don't want that and I never knew I've never known how or what or where or when or who or any answer but yet I know that sometimes it doesn't matter if you know the answers if you don't know what the question is have you ever thought about that how we spend our whole lives and yes I am speaking to you like we're friends or family or partners mainly because I would like to think that we are all looking for the same thing on the journey to that thing that one thing that elusive incredible amazing thing but my problem is that I have never known what I was supposed to be looking for because heaven knows I never looked to myself or at myself for that matter shudder at the thought for answers to anything I shake my head now and my hands shake now at the thought of thinking about myself and how mucked up my head is and the stupid things that I do think about when I think are mainly just a distraction from thinking about the things that I really should be thinking about and I will give you an example like how I don't have anything to wear to a funeral seriously who thinks about stuff like that or how I haven't had my hair done by actual hairstylist with an actual license in over 20 years because I don't know what I want her to do with it or what I should expect her to do with it or maybe it's because I don't want to sit down and look at myself in her big mirror or do that small talk chitter chatter that all hair do'ers want to do when you sit down and become their prisoner but mainly I just don't think it matters I guess because I'm resigned to the fact that my hair will always be flat and oily and it won't do what I want it to, oh well, we all can't have great hair or great anything, big lips and bigger boobs, tiny feet, and mucked up everything else is what I got, nothing special and nothing I want to dwell on, ewwwh, ewwwh, ewwwh, I'm so tense because I got so mad the other day and so pissed at myself because I let myself be made all sad and wah wah depressed by someone, him and maybe one damn day I will learn to disregard him the same way he disregards me but that also pisses me off because I don't want to be like that but why why why why do I want to be better than that because it's too damn easy to be like everyone else or maybe it's not because fuck me I can't seem to do it, yes, yes, yes I will, what more do you want me to do because I will gladly do that too, sure do I get extra points for all my asskissing and just plain throwing myself at you, putting myself out there time after time maybe because I safely know that as long as I throw myself under your crazy train, I don't risk getting picked up by some psycho killer who has a thing for lost little girls wandering around aimlessly up and down the tracks, or maybe it's just because I don't know what I would say if I ran into someone at the station who just wanted to have a "normal" conversation with me, what, like anything about me is normal, hardly, wait, yes, of course I am, it's time, it's past time, it's way past my bedtime and I need to figure this out my way out of here, it's a maze, amazingly I know that I haven't moved at all, what am I waiting for, for you to not call, for you to call, for it to repeat again, what the hell am I waiting for, your permission, absolution, what, what, what, and what do I want, where do I want to go, does it even matter, what if I can't figure it out, I will figure it out and I will fix it because it has to be fixed, it has to be fixed, I just need to remove, rearrange the pieces and buy more glue and sprinkle more glitter and put my heart right there, no, no, wait, right here.