Collage

I've got issues serious issues not the subscription kind more like the prescription kind but I don't take pills mainly because I don't have a prescription and I don't read but I keep the magazines just for the pictures and I cut them out sometimes, well not, really, but once I did and it turned out kind of nice and pretty and I had fun doing that and it kept my mind occupied and my brain focused and at the same time it allowed me to be totally free from any and all boundaries and rules because that's kind of what a collage is, just a big hot mess of stuff, all glued together to be one big picture, and you don't always get the right piece in the right place, so you just add more glue or you add more glitter or you find another word or another photo or whatever, maybe it's a butterfly or a heart that needs to go there, and sometimes the glue runs, and it kind of hurts a little, because you can't do anything about it, it's in my nature to want to fix it, it needs to be fixed, it should be fixed, except that it can't be fixed, accept that it can't be fixed, and just accept it for what it is, so you laugh it off, and you turn it into a joke, or an emo teardrop is what I called it, and it was okay, though it still bothered me, it did, and yeah, I'm stalling because I don't know how to start this, or stop this, and I figured that it was in my best interest to just let this thing go where it wanted and not be bound and gagged though gagging is what I feel like doing right now why in the world would writing something that makes no sense or no difference it can't really do anything make me feel this sick to my stomach I don't know why or how I got to this point anyway wasn't it just yesterday and wasn't tomorrow supposed to be the day and wasn't today supposed to be the best day and when did it all turn or maybe it never did maybe nothing happened at all and it was all a big dreamy dream of a life that I made up in mind that I never could decide on that I never could pick for myself someone always has to choose for me because I suck at decision making and I suck at choosing and I'm scared of being wrong and I'm scared that I will hurt feelings possibly your feelings and I don't want that responsibility and I don't want that and I never knew I've never known how or what or where or when or who or any answer but yet I know that sometimes it doesn't matter if you know the answers if you don't know what the question is have you ever thought about that how we spend our whole lives and yes I am speaking to you like we're friends or family or partners mainly because I would like to think that we are all looking for the same thing on the journey to that thing that one thing that elusive incredible amazing thing but my problem is that I have never known what I was supposed to be looking for because heaven knows I never looked to myself or at myself for that matter shudder at the thought for answers to anything I shake my head now and my hands shake now at the thought of thinking about myself and how mucked up my head is and the stupid things that I do think about when I think are mainly just a distraction from thinking about the things that I really should be thinking about and I will give you an example like how I don't have anything to wear to a funeral seriously who thinks about stuff like that or how I haven't had my hair done by actual hairstylist with an actual license in over 20 years because I don't know what I want her to do with it or what I should expect her to do with it or maybe it's because I don't want to sit down and look at myself in her big mirror or do that small talk chitter chatter that all hair do'ers want to do when you sit down and become their prisoner but mainly I just don't think it matters I guess because I'm resigned to the fact that my hair will always be flat and oily and it won't do what I want it to, oh well, we all can't have great hair or great anything, big lips and bigger boobs, tiny feet, and mucked up everything else is what I got, nothing special and nothing I want to dwell on, ewwwh, ewwwh, ewwwh, I'm so tense because I got so mad the other day and so pissed at myself because I let myself be made all sad and wah wah depressed by someone, him and maybe one damn day I will learn to disregard him the same way he disregards me but that also pisses me off because I don't want to be like that but why why why why do I want to be better than that because it's too damn easy to be like everyone else or maybe it's not because fuck me I can't seem to do it, yes, yes, yes I will, what more do you want me to do because I will gladly do that too, sure do I get extra points for all my asskissing and just plain throwing myself at you, putting myself out there time after time maybe because I safely know that as long as I throw myself under your crazy train, I don't risk getting picked up by some psycho killer who has a thing for lost little girls wandering around aimlessly up and down the tracks, or maybe it's just because I don't know what I would say if I ran into someone at the station who just wanted to have a "normal" conversation with me, what, like anything about me is normal, hardly, wait, yes, of course I am, it's time, it's past time, it's way past my bedtime and I need to figure this out my way out of here, it's a maze, amazingly I know that I haven't moved at all, what am I waiting for, for you to not call, for you to call, for it to repeat again, what the hell am I waiting for, your permission, absolution, what, what, what, and what do I want, where do I want to go, does it even matter, what if I can't figure it out, I will figure it out and I will fix it because it has to be fixed, it has to be fixed, I just need to remove, rearrange the pieces and buy more glue and sprinkle more glitter and put my heart right there, no, no, wait, right here.

great expectations

ultimately, in the end
just for selfish pleasure
we end up doing the one thing
we always said
we'd "never"

Like I have that many lies to waste
or that much time to spill
to kill
yeah, there, I said it it
what you never could
what you never would
oh but wait
just for minute
just let me spin it
you did
and I didn't
or I did
and you didn't
or we did
or we didn't
and it never mattered
and we never should have bothered
bothered the rest
the best
most of the people
with our craziness
our lameness
ours
I mean..
mine
I meant..
yours
There, I said it
this never should have
this never could have
this never would have
this never
this what
this ever
after
never
ever
again
except it did
and it will
and it won't
and it can't
but I can't
I mean you can't
I mean we can't
never
ever
break our hearts
unitl it stops
or it never starts
I mean stops
forever
and ever
and never
ever
again
because I never win
I mean...
you always win
and I can't
I mean I can
at least I thought I could
at least you said I should
at least you promised me you would
stay
forever
and ever
and I never believed
and you knew you would leave
me here
forever
and ever
and never
again
will I waste another lie
or spill so much of my blood
I mean...my time
on you
on me
until the day after tomorrow
or until there's more time to steal
I mean...borrow
until the next forever ever
the next next of never

Random Play

I woke up this morning with some strange urge to write which would not be a problem if I had something to write about, so with my run-on sentences in overstock, I made a decision, conscious or unconscious (you be my judge) to write about absolutely nothing. Once upon a long time far away ago, I used to be fairly adequately barely mediocre at writing about nothing, babbling or rambling or bambling as I used to call it. Damn, I thought I was so clever, and so funny, and so inspiring (even if it was to nobody but myself and a handful of people that I was lucky enough to have grasped their attention) lucky, I say, because I could have just as easily been spouting off my nonsense to 4 blog walls, whatever that means, and I've never been really fond of an echo, which you wouldn't know by talking to me in real life because, hell, you'd think I love nothing more than to hear the sound of my own voice. I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk and I don't need a reason. I sing out loud. I laugh out loud. I live out loud. (Yeah, right, all except the living part, which doesn't mean that I'm dying, but I guess we all are, right?) Well....that's deep, but you didn't really expect to read this without me being just a little bit or a lot of, well, me? I haven't written or even attempted to write (not that I haven't thought about it or had dreams of coming up with some sort of brilliance-yahhh right!) for months now. Okay, maybe that's not so true, which makes it be----ummm...false? Sentences, fragments really, mostly, only. Like that. Let me find my little notebook that I used to (religiously) take with me everywhere. Let's see what I scribbled in there just for kicks and giggles. Hold on....

Haaaaaaaah! I'm flipping through...and I find too many fucking Wal-Mart receipts (they give you back your check now and I just shove it in my purse) and a note that starts out like this:

"(insert ex boyfriend name here), Is this wh...."

What the hell?

Let me find my other notebook.

Hold on....

Hmmmm...blank pages, blank pages, an address, a title, this title:

Simplicity (Complex)ity

'twas sure to be a blog all about how I can take the simplest of things and make them completely complicated. Well, duh, you say, I got that much from the title. Did you really? And again, I thought I was being so clever. True enough, I do get bogged down in the details sometimes, I might not notice the color of your eyes, but yeah, I saw the thread hanging from your shirt. I might not remember your name, but I'll remember the sound of your voice, the smell of your cologne and how you almost tripped when you walked away. Moth balls. Head scratching. The sigh and the breath at the end of your sentence. I know that you are lonely before you are even left alone to think about it. I know because I fuck the obvious and disregard it. I know because I see the things I want to see when I don't want to see anything else, when there is nothing left to focus on, but that tiny fucking thread on your shirt, that gets bigger and longer and more knotted every time I see you, when I see you, when I see you, when I see you. When will I see you again?

It would have been a good title though, right?

I find my Tropic Thunder movie ticket and my pass card to Epcot. Good fucking times.

I have those, lots of em...good fucking times, probably more than my fair share. In fact, I have a really great life, really great. There, I said it. My life is awesome, and I'm happy, emo yeah, but happy. I laugh way more than I cry, I sing way more than I shout, I dance way more than I pout, and I sleep way more than I don't sleep (couldn't think of anything cool to put there).

I'm figuring out shit which means I'm figuring out that there wasn't shit to figure out in the first place. Everything you need, you'll find within yourself. Of course it never hurts to have family and friends around when you have those moments where you decide to go full retard and you forget everything that's important, and it really is all about the little things. Right fucking now. Not dwelling on what I did last year or wondering where the hell I'll be at next year, but right this minute. And yeah, I'm good.

Are there people I miss? Every fucking day.

Are there things I'm sad about? Sure.

Do I sound like someone who has eaten up a whole bottle of anti-depressants? (here it comes, here it comes, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it...) FUCK YEAH, I DO! But nope, this is just me, another year older, another year older, another year older, another year.....older. And you thought I was going to say wiser.

Music still excites me.
The sunrise and sunset still move me.
My friends and family still sustain me.
Life still amazes me.

Still.
Still.
Still, yeah, I guess I'm still pretty good at this bambling thing after all.

So....I caught a glance in my direction.
Or....maybe nothing more than a reflection.

But....

I'll see you.
I'll see you.
I'll see you when I see you.
When will I see you again?