Drowning Lessons

Getting very hard to breathe.....


Decisions need to be made and very soon.

The very prospect scares the living shit out of me.

What if I am wrong and you are right? What if I am just like mother?

I can't for the life of me pinpoint the day that it all changed for us. It hasn't been the same for so long now and yet I'm still here. Stupidity or pride? Does it even matter anymore? Constantly driven...but by what? Fear of being wrong? Fear of being alone? Fear of failure? When will I finally have to admit to myself that I can't help you. You won't even really let me try. You just won't let me in and you are hellbent on destroying me and killing my love for you.

Why must you suck everything good out of my life? Love is supposed to be 50/50, right? Bullfuckingshit...Never. Everything that was once so sweet and pure is now rotten and leaves a nasty bitter taste in my mouth. I want to cringe and pull away when you touch me and withdraw back into myself. Why? Because the same mouth you use to tell me how much you love me and how much you need me is the same mouth that tells me how stupid and insignificant I am.

So now, here I sit in front of this computer...my only refuge and you must try and take that from me as well. Why must you talk to me that way? Does it make you feel powerful? I would rather you just punch me in the gut because at least that would only hurt for a few minutes. Your words cut like a knife into my heart and I can feel the scar tissue beginning to form.

Now I must decide....Do I walk away? Do I stay and fight? Do I even still love you? I've lost that feeling and I can't find it. Don't blame me. You buried it under all your bullshit, fear, and hate. We could have had something really special....now there's nothing but resentment and hurt. I wonder if you will even care if I walk away. Will it even make you sad? Part of me wants to scream at you, part of me wants to hurt you the way you have hurt me.

But most of all...what I really want to say to you is CONGRATULATIONS, MOTHER FUCKER!! YOU FUCKING WIN! How does it feel to know that you killed someone? Do you like that shit? Do you like the taste of my blood? Because that is exactly what you've done, you killed the person I was. A sweet, honest, loving, pure-hearted, naive girl and turned her into a bitter, untrusting, resentful, vengeful woman.

A new person was born from that death and that new person is just like YOU. Thanks for the fucking life lessons....thanks for memories...and thanks for the venom, mother fucker.










p.s. "Well after all, we'll lie another day
And through it all, we'll find some other way"

Roll On Roller Coaster, Roll On....

...and On, and On, and What the F...?

My darling, I have not addressed you since the morning after FF2007. I hope all is coming up roses in your world and that your mood has not turned sour again. Me? Well, my mood seems to turn sour at least 16 times a day but that is what makes the sweet parts so much sweeter. Don't you agree? You have to go through the shit just so you can appreciate the good times...however, that doesn't mean we always have to treat people like shit. I'm still working on that last part....some people make it so damn hard to be nice to them. Oh well, Can't be great at everything. We will continue the constant inner battle with our demons and keep on keeping on. Moods will change as quickly as the Santa Ana winds. Of that much ,I am sure. But I am learning to accept my roller coaster of emotions...I hang on and enjoy the ride. It does have a tendancy to make everyone else nervous though. Awwh come on people, join us for the ride....Won't you? It's bound to get more interesting than this. Anticipation is the best part...that and the feeling you get in your stomach when you are flying down that hill. You know the one...where your stomach and heart feel like they are coming out of your throat! Whooosh! Hold on tight and don't close your eyes....You'll miss the best part!


Love to you always,
S

p.s. Scream

Words About Nothing Always Mean Something ??

How is it possible to have such strong feelings and connections to people that I have never met?

Secrets revealed. Stories shared. Laughter, tears, anger, frustration, and lots of love. Amazingly, we have found a nice comfortable place here. Bonds have formed where there used to be nothing but emptiness. We have found our voices and are learning how to scream beautifully. A new release has been discovered and words pour from our hearts onto a screen. How incredibly wonderful it is to share your deepest, darkest thoughts with someone and never be judged. Always reassured. Always something to say and always someone to listen.

We are no longer alone and we are no longer silent.

p.s. On life support, never pull the plug.