The More I Change...The More Things Stay The Same

Why am I so hard to love?
What is it that's so wrong with me?
Haven't I loved you good enough?
Am I just too stupid and ugly?

Why is it so easy to hurt me?
Does my standing still make me an easy target?
Do you see things in me you wish you could be?
When you're done using me, can I have my heart back?

Do you think I am strong enough to walk away?
Are your arms tired and weak from pushing me so hard?
Is it brave of me to stay and fight another day?
Will you have regrets when you've pushed me too far?

Have you even bothered to notice that I no longer cry?
Does it anger you when I throw your words back in your face?
Is it worrying you at all that you have let my love for you die?
Was it really true that you never loved me in the first place?

Are you sad for me that I have wasted so much time?
Are you shocked to see the new person you have helped create?
Was it really that far fetched or really such a crime
to try and save someone who couldn't be saved?

p.s. Will I ever find something new to write about?

Lost Little Girl

See the little girl lost: walking through this world alone
She ain't looking for a lover, she's just looking for a home

If you want more than sympathy then look for something else
Cause she's not true to anyone, not even to herself
She'll have sixteen smiling strangers who are handing her a line
While she's drawing dirty pictures on the black side of your mind
And that body she'll let anybody hold, but the devil's got her soul

But if you take her, take her easy
Treat her gentle, she used to love me

See the little girl lost, pleading silently for help
Knowing no one understands her, she don't understand herself

She'll feed your hungry ego til you think you're quite a man
But you better count your fingers when she turns loose of your hand
Cause you're just a game she's playing any way that she can win
And you ain't about to touch her any deeper than her skin
In that body anybody can control, but the devil's got her soul

But if you take her, take her easy
Treat her gentle, she used to love me


I did not write this!!
Thanks Kris...I appreciate your letting me borrow those for today.


p.s. Damaged

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to My BlogBelieve Family!

When I think of all the times we've shared
from the silly to the sad
You've been the greatest friends to me
through good times and through bad.
We love to get crazy from time to time,
that's what friends are supposed to do
But when times get rough
there is never a doubt that I can count on all of you.
We have the kind of friendship
that endures til the very end
Because I can't imagine my life without all of you-
You are all my forever friends!


I borrowed that from someone else and changed just a couple of words. It just seemed to sum up all my feelings towards everyone here and our little world we have created.


Faith


Hope


Love


Now and always....

You Talking To Me?

These are the thoughts that go through my head. Isn't that an Alanis song? Yep, it sure is. Why do you always draw flowers? I don't know. I sure wish that bitch behind you would get off the computer so I could blog. It's not your turn...it's her lunch break. Speaking of lunch, I am so fucking hungry and have a headache. Well, make up your mind what you want to eat, silly. It's an easy problem to fix. Now the bitch is coughing and not even a real cough. Just enough to be irritating, but not quite irritating enough to warrant killing her. The phone is ringing. You really should answer that. I am if you will shut up. Now, you are drawing circles. I call that regression. Why is your desk so messy? Looks like you have plenty of shit to do. I don't want to, okay? Why is your leg shaking like that? Because I'm talking to you and I don't want to talk to you right now. Why? I am working on my blog. Oooooooh, let me see. No! You will just laugh. Well, at least tell me what it's about. It's about me. Muhahah, oh well that is going to be funny as hell. See, I knew you would do that. Do what? That. Someone sure is awfully sensitive today. Don't cut your eyes at me. It just makes you look stupid. Could you just go away? Nope, I have nothing better to do. You'd better answer that phone again. Oh, why don't you let me answer it? Oh, okay this will be fun. It was a joke. I can't let you talk to people. You are no fun at all. No, that's not true. You just try to get me in trouble. Do I? It's not my fault you are so boring. I just keep things interesting. Goddamnit take that phone of the hook, so I can talk to you! I already told you that I was busy. Oh, yes, writing your new blog. I wonder how many people can't sleep waiting on that shit. You're just so fucking mean. No, I am fucking honest You don't have to say it that way, do you? No, but it gets your attention that way. Stop fucking writing on yourself! What? Are you like 12? Goddamnit, be still and focus! But, all I can hear is you! Tee-fucking-dah! Exactly! I'm the one you should be listening to. I don't know about that. Really? Indecisive much? Can't say that I'm shocked on this end. You just fucking rolled your eyes at me. No, I'm just tired. Yeah, I'd be tired of this life too, if I were you.

Hey! Wait just a fucking minute...I am you.

Now what were you saying again?

Nevermind...you never listen to me anyway.

p.s. Shut the fuck up!

Inspiration/Desperation

Desperate to be inspired...or inspired by being desperate?

I have no fucking clue. I'm writing this blindly. Usually my posts are more thought out and I have some sort of outline or plan, but not this one. This one had to be this way. I had to challenge myself to see where it was all coming from. I sit now in the quiet of my house, and I am missing something. What's worse is that I don't know what it is I am missing. I just know that I am so far from being a complete person. There are pieces of me scattered about...here, there, everywhere. She has some, he has some, you have some...and very little is left for me. I give away all the good parts so freely. I know what I need...I need music. My life support...my blood supply. I need a transfusion. Whew, there that's better. I haven't heard this CD in so long....Romanza. Surprised much? Yes, I listen to all that moves me. I must be able to feel it. I used to have it all figured out. What the fuck happened to me? The music isn't loud enough....ok, better. Now, I am moved to tears. I need to cry, but I stop myself again. I have been told by too many what a waste of time and energy it is....the story of my whole life...a waste. Wondering and wandering around. Just existing. Trying so hard so give love away....thinking that somehow it will make me feel loved. I know that I'm just trying to make up for the fact that I don't love myself. Repeat much? I'm sensing a theme here.

And all I have is this....

Words...Pages...My subconscious neatly written in a spiral bound notebook. I guard it with my life. If it fell into the wrong hands, the truth would be laid out for all to see. Some are not ready....I am not ready. I am scared. So scared of not feeling...of this being all there is. What if this is all I am good at? Talking to myself? Where will that get me in life? Oooh, I know....crazyville.

My dark corner....my favorite place. You are there with me. We've made it this far. I never thought you'd sit with me, but you did. Sometimes I reach for you, sometimes you reach for me.....sometimes we miss each other...and a couple of times we even held hands.

You know "almost" is my favorite word, don't you? So are you almost ready to go on that walk with me? Yeah, and I'm almost ready to be honest with myself.....almost.


p.s. Destination Unknown

And the Battle for My Soul Rages On....

Tick, Tock goes the clock on the wall. I hear it and I watch it. I should be working. Really, there has got to be something that needs my attention. Seconds turn into minutes turning into hours dropping off my life. Forever. Gone. Time spent wishing time away. But when it comes time, will I bargain with the devil for a few extra days or will I beg and plead with God to forgive me and take me earlier? Like God should listen to me. I only call on him these days to curse something or question something. The devil, on the otherhand, he and I are close, personal friends. He keeps me right where I am and causes me to laugh at my predicament rather than fix it.

"Girl, just keep on wallowing in it. Call on me and I will give you the tools you need to complete your self destruction. It will be fantastic. Something to be remembered."

"But devil, can't I have more in my life? Don't I deserve to be loved?"

"Foolish girl. You are getting exactly what you deserved. Exactly what you prayed to get, remember? God is not the only one who answers prayers, my sweet. I gave you what you wanted and now you want to backtrack on our deal. Let me refresh your memory. You wanted him. He tried to warn you that he would never fall in love with you and you did not care. Be damned with everything else. You would offer yourself up to him and expect nothing in return. How noble of you. Did I not deliver for you? Did you not get exactly what you asked for? Now all that is left for you is to laugh at your pathetic life and your pathetic self. It really is quite funny. You played a game with me and you lost. Thinking you could make a difference. That you could love someone into loving you. Girl, you are full of it. Do you think you are believable? How could anyone love you? You don't even love yourself, but don't worry. I am here for you always, my dear. Here to always remind you of who you really are and the little deal we made. Oh and God called. He said when you stop lying to yourself he'll be glad to talk to you again. Until then....looks like it's you and me, kid."



p.s. What did I really have to lose?

Stained

How do you put feelings on a page? How can you keep words from losing their real meaning or becoming lost in the translation? Can you really feel me? My concern? My frustration? My fears? My self hatred? My love? My hopes? My anger? My faith? How can I help you understand that there is nothing between us? No walls, no lies, no secrets, no masks. Just empty space. Just us. Would it become real for you if the paper were left soaking wet? Would you trust me if I dipped my pen in my veins and wrote the words in my own blood? Would that be enough to make you believe again?

Will you ever believe again?

My eyes are bloodshot and my arms are scarred.

Let me try once more....


p.s. Soggy paper falls apart and your hands are stained red. Do you feel me now?

Plenty of Hope, But Not Enough Rope

Some people might say that I'm crazy. Crazy things spill from my head. My head keeps spinning. Spinning and weaving my tale, and sometimes it gets hard to keep up. Up to my neck in my own bullshit. Bullshit that keeps getting deeper. Deeper than the dark hole that I am sitting in. In this place, I sit. Sit infrequently and thinking constantly. Constantly moving my dirt all around. Around this place, it gets lonely sometimes. Sometimes I need a friend. A friend that would offer an answer. An answer to questions not found. Found my companion to be me, myself, and I. I talk to myself quite a lot. A lot of the time it's just rambling. But some of the time it is not. Not that I mind all the voices. The voices have nice things to say. They say I have nothing to fear here, and tomorrow is a brand new day. A day where all things are possible, and everything starts fresh and new. New ideas to get out of this hole, and the hell that I'm going through. Through all this right now, I bet you are thinking. Your thinking, does she have a point? Point of the story is secret. And the secret shall not be revealed. Revealed here or no where until what is broken has healed. Healed wounds and patched heart maybe if I'm lucky. Lucky I can hide all my scars. Scars are reminders of battles. Battles I have fought and I have won. Won a chance to do it all over. Overturned and play a new part. Part of me wishes I could stop this. This insanity that I know so well. Well if it all stopped at this moment, I'd die and be burning in hell. Hell won't have me just yet, so I'll patiently sit and I'll wait. Wait for someone to toss me a rope, or a shovel to dig my own grave......


Love Always,
S

p.s. Damn that felt good....

Let the Countdown Begin, 10, 9, 8, 7.......

Are you wearing the appropriate safety gear?

Do you ever feel like your emotions are just about to get the better of you? Today is one of those days for me. I suppose it really started last night when the one closest to me (as in right next to me in my bed) gave me a good ass chewing for reasons only he knows. Now, I feel everything stirring like acid boiling my insides and razor blades tearing at my skin. I'm trying so hard not to let it all spill forth. That could be so terribly messy, but things are bound to blow up eventually. The funny thing is that I'm comforted by these feelings. So familiar...the only ones I truly recognize. The ones that let me know I'm still alive.

Can we talk about fire one more time? I found a little something that you might like. Not a well known poem, but I think it fits.

The Boy with Fire in His Eyes

The boy with fire in his eyes
Stands there waiting.
It is his soul inside;
It keeps him standing.

And if ever the fire goes out,
He will freeze in the cold.
It is his heat
And all that keeps him living.

Or if it never is put to use,
It will consume him;
He will burn to the ground
His ashes left behind.

But if the fire blazes,
If kindled, kept and carried,
If the boy with fire in his eyes
Finds life inside that fire,

His fire will light the world,
Will pierce the mist,
A fire to drive the dark away
Forever and ever more.

Daniel Nairn
(Thanks Daniel for letting me borrow without asking.)

Crazy how fire is just like love, isn't it? It can grow uncontrollably or fade away. Provide you warmth and fill your heart or burn the shit out of you and leave you fighting to survive.
I hope you are finding all it is that you need today. Me? I'm still searching for something to fill an empty space....something to complete me.


Love to You Always,
S

p.s. Explosions sure make pretty fireworks....

Don't I Look Pretty?

Put on my best sunday dress
Walk straight into this mess of mine
And I put on my best sunday dress
I walk straight into this mess

Watching you burn



Didn't mean to be the fuel you needed....or did I?

Nothing motivational or inspirational here today. Just some borrowed lines...

p.s. And I made this mess, I built this fire...Are you still mine?

Drowning Lessons

Getting very hard to breathe.....


Decisions need to be made and very soon.

The very prospect scares the living shit out of me.

What if I am wrong and you are right? What if I am just like mother?

I can't for the life of me pinpoint the day that it all changed for us. It hasn't been the same for so long now and yet I'm still here. Stupidity or pride? Does it even matter anymore? Constantly driven...but by what? Fear of being wrong? Fear of being alone? Fear of failure? When will I finally have to admit to myself that I can't help you. You won't even really let me try. You just won't let me in and you are hellbent on destroying me and killing my love for you.

Why must you suck everything good out of my life? Love is supposed to be 50/50, right? Bullfuckingshit...Never. Everything that was once so sweet and pure is now rotten and leaves a nasty bitter taste in my mouth. I want to cringe and pull away when you touch me and withdraw back into myself. Why? Because the same mouth you use to tell me how much you love me and how much you need me is the same mouth that tells me how stupid and insignificant I am.

So now, here I sit in front of this computer...my only refuge and you must try and take that from me as well. Why must you talk to me that way? Does it make you feel powerful? I would rather you just punch me in the gut because at least that would only hurt for a few minutes. Your words cut like a knife into my heart and I can feel the scar tissue beginning to form.

Now I must decide....Do I walk away? Do I stay and fight? Do I even still love you? I've lost that feeling and I can't find it. Don't blame me. You buried it under all your bullshit, fear, and hate. We could have had something really special....now there's nothing but resentment and hurt. I wonder if you will even care if I walk away. Will it even make you sad? Part of me wants to scream at you, part of me wants to hurt you the way you have hurt me.

But most of all...what I really want to say to you is CONGRATULATIONS, MOTHER FUCKER!! YOU FUCKING WIN! How does it feel to know that you killed someone? Do you like that shit? Do you like the taste of my blood? Because that is exactly what you've done, you killed the person I was. A sweet, honest, loving, pure-hearted, naive girl and turned her into a bitter, untrusting, resentful, vengeful woman.

A new person was born from that death and that new person is just like YOU. Thanks for the fucking life lessons....thanks for memories...and thanks for the venom, mother fucker.










p.s. "Well after all, we'll lie another day
And through it all, we'll find some other way"

Roll On Roller Coaster, Roll On....

...and On, and On, and What the F...?

My darling, I have not addressed you since the morning after FF2007. I hope all is coming up roses in your world and that your mood has not turned sour again. Me? Well, my mood seems to turn sour at least 16 times a day but that is what makes the sweet parts so much sweeter. Don't you agree? You have to go through the shit just so you can appreciate the good times...however, that doesn't mean we always have to treat people like shit. I'm still working on that last part....some people make it so damn hard to be nice to them. Oh well, Can't be great at everything. We will continue the constant inner battle with our demons and keep on keeping on. Moods will change as quickly as the Santa Ana winds. Of that much ,I am sure. But I am learning to accept my roller coaster of emotions...I hang on and enjoy the ride. It does have a tendancy to make everyone else nervous though. Awwh come on people, join us for the ride....Won't you? It's bound to get more interesting than this. Anticipation is the best part...that and the feeling you get in your stomach when you are flying down that hill. You know the one...where your stomach and heart feel like they are coming out of your throat! Whooosh! Hold on tight and don't close your eyes....You'll miss the best part!


Love to you always,
S

p.s. Scream

Words About Nothing Always Mean Something ??

How is it possible to have such strong feelings and connections to people that I have never met?

Secrets revealed. Stories shared. Laughter, tears, anger, frustration, and lots of love. Amazingly, we have found a nice comfortable place here. Bonds have formed where there used to be nothing but emptiness. We have found our voices and are learning how to scream beautifully. A new release has been discovered and words pour from our hearts onto a screen. How incredibly wonderful it is to share your deepest, darkest thoughts with someone and never be judged. Always reassured. Always something to say and always someone to listen.

We are no longer alone and we are no longer silent.

p.s. On life support, never pull the plug.

Excuse Me, But Is That Clarity You Are Selling?

How much for a whole jar?

Does it come with a guarantee?

Will it work fast?

I am in desperate need. My supply ran out a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to find any. I am suffering from clouded judgment and blurred vision. Unable to focus and wandering aimlessly down a winding path to nowhere. Would you consider a trade? I have much to offer in return. What do you need? I have plenty of empathy to spare. No? How about some guilt? Everyone needs some guilt for their conscience. How about some.....On second thought, maybe I don't have that much to offer in return.

Do you take Visa or Mastercard?

p.s. In search of, In hopes of, In spite of.........

Exhausting To Be So Close, Yet So Far

Sorry it seems as if some in here love nothing more than to keep beating a dead horse. Poor thing looks like one big bloody mess. The past? Well, all roads have lead us to right where we are at this moment. And this moment, right now, is all that matters. The past might have got you here and you might worry about tomorrow but you should focus on today. I should take my own advice...really I should. I would not condemn you. It's not my place to judge. We're all one step, one catastrophe, one death, one drink, one heartache, or one love away from being each other.



That's all I have for you right now. Now, come find me. It will be so much fun. I dare you.

p.s. it's not that tragic.

Time? Are You Ready to Punch In or Out?

Now that you have opened your ears and listened to us, could you open your eyes and look at us? Please turn around and let us see you. I want you to see me. I'm the one holding the flashlight for you so you can see your way down this path. I don't want you to do it alone and in the dark. I started this journey with you and I will not leave until you reach your destination. Beware, this will not be an easy path. We will encounter monsters, demons, liars, imposters, but don't be scared. If you continue to look ahead, you will see that your path is lined with all kinds of people. People who are ready to do battle for you. Are some of the faces familiar ones? Some will be people you've probably forgotten...some will be people you are surprised to see. Some will try to make you choose another path...some will try to stand in your way. Some will tell you to turn around.......Now, for all the right answers, you must open something else. Do you remember what that is? OK, I'll tell you...it's your heart. Are you ready?

So here we go...I've got on my best pair of walking shoes. Bring a jacket, it might get chilly. Let's do this shit.

P.S. and Some do it for no reason at all.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are....Don't You Want To Play With Me?

I promise to play nice....nah fuck that, no I don't. But I won't lie to you. I think I do understand you and that's what scares the shit out me. I wasn't always like this...or was I? Now, I'm lost. Lost in myself...but who am I? Do you know who you are? What the fuck do I want from you? Do you want something from me? Give, give, give, I give it all to everyone. But, is it only what I allow them to take that I give? Of course, this is such a dangerous game to play but I feel I am worthy. Maybe I am the only one who is worthy.....Nonsense. There are others out there much better than you or I. You lie to everyone. I hate liars. But sometimes lies are necessary, aren't they? Or is that what we tell ourselves so that we won't feel bad for lying. You know what they say about liars......something about our pants catching on fire. If you believe that sort of thing, what do you believe in? It must make sense to someone....life. Death. Death, THE FUCKING END! There must, there has to be some kind of pattern, some logical, mathematical explanation for everything. Right? Bullfuckingshit.....but that doesn't stop me from trying to make it all add up. Ha! Laugh all you want..but do you have it all figured out? You might think you do...good luck with that. You will wake up tomorrow and you will fuck something up again, just like you always do. Damnit...you must stop that. Some things can't be helped, I see. I see exactly what you want me to see and everything you don't. I see things you haven't even seen yet and it's frightening. Only for me, not for you. I can't warn you, you won't let me. Do you want to die? I don't want you to die. That's selfish of me.....Yes. Selfish. See, what you made me do? Now I care and now I feel invested. Stupid Girl, stop wasting your time. Invest in your own life. My life? What the fuck......I don't want to talk about me, I want to talk about YOU. This isn't about me at all.......Or is it?

Clever......You're much smarter than I realized.

P.S. Thank you.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Let's use the good china!

Are you finally coming to terms with something that happened to you in your past? Did you have to pretend that everything was fine and normal all the time? Does it now make you angry that you were forced to play that game? You have to deal with this now! You need to confront it, fix it, and throw the rest of this bullshit away. If you don't, it will fucking destroy you. You will never be able to breathe deeply and exhale. It will continue to haunt you FOREVER! Admit it, Acknowledge it, Release it....Let it fucking go. Bad things happened to you, but they don't have to define you.

Pride goes down better with a dose of humility.


p.s. Call me next time and I'll help you set the table. I'll bring some empathy for dessert.

AMEN

"Stop pointing fingers and take some blame
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live
Stop short changing your neighbors
Living off hand outs and favors
And maybe give a little bit more than you got to give"


Bob Ritchie


P.S. Go back and read it again....don't think you got it the first time.

Read The Signs And Check Your Map...Is That The Future Up Ahead?

Of course this is exactly what was planned because we all know how far in advance you plan things. Everything that has happened and happening still has been of your own doing. Forgive us if we have tried to stand in your way on your path of self destruction. Sorry if we hurt your eyes by shining a bright light on all your evils. Accept our apologies for not leaving you alone with all of your demons. Do you realize how lucky you are to have so many people throwing their time, their energy, their heart, their emotions, their souls, their thoughts into your life?

You seem as if you might have finally saw your reflection in the mirror or listened to the voices in your head. Did it scare you? Or did you like it? We're all friends here....be honest if you like the person you are right now. But I'm growing so weary of all the introspection. Could you for once make something NOT about YOU? Stop looking at yourself and look at others! Do you care about their pain at all? Do you care about their lives? Do you know what makes them happy? Do you know why they cry? Try on their shoes. Walk around and see how that feels. Are you feeling shitty that they are focusing so much of their energy on you? Oh, wait...I forgot. You like being dirty, don't you? Once you've walked around in their lives, then and only then will you be capable of really looking at yourself.

We're waiting........you can start with my size 5's if you like.

P.S. Deep, dark corners are where the truth is hidden. Have you found it yet?

Confessions & Ramblings of an Enabler

It is true that sometimes I start relationships with people because I think I hold the missing piece...pieces or peace. Like my relationship with you......I hate for you to feel alone and I want to surround you with protection. I stay near you because I like the feeling of being needed. I will show you that people can give of themselves unselfishly. I will love you unconditionally and expect nothing in return. I will hand you my heart and let you use it until you can trust your own again. I hope this will show you that you are deserving of love......real love. I know that you are just as passionate and hard working as I am. Right now, you are selling yourself short, but you are capable of so much more...things that you have only dreamed about. We can turn them into reality.

However, I can only show you what's missing. I can NOT complete you. We're all insecure. That doesn't make you awkward, that makes you HUMAN. It's time for you to take that painful look at yourself. To be delivered from evil, you must come face to face with the devil in the mirror. It might be the longest and hardest battle you have ever fought, but you can do this. I will stand beside you every step of the way and help you find the strength. It's in there....I promise. You might be shocked at what you find within yourself so don't be afraid to look. Kill those demons....one by one.

P.S. We all have our roles to play..........so, can I have my heart back when you're done?

Right Bullets, Wrong Gun

Feeling dark
Watching the rain
Trapped in myself
Going insane

Worries stay focused
On someone out of reach
Leaving my comments
But trying not to preach

I've walked the same roads
That you're walking now
Wanting so much to help you
But I just don't know how

Your moods keep swinging
So high and so low
Now scraping the bottom
How much lower can you go

We want nothing but happiness
and some peace in your life
No one is jealous of you
or your wife

The new love that you've found
I hope it keeps you warm
And reminds you where your heart is
As you weather this storm

People still love you
And we all commit sins
Nothing you've done
Should cause friendships to end

Heart beats fast
From the pills and cocaine
Everything to lose
Absolutely nothing to gain

Feels good for awhile
I know, I've had my fair share
But drugs fuck with your mind
And make you not care

Not ready to quit?
No! Not yet!
Playing a game
Of Russian Roulette

More and more untouchable
with each passing hour
You like who you are
And you love all the power

Too bad what you're feeling
Is just and illusion
Life is a game
And Buddy, You're losing

Tearing it down
and throwing it away
Your hole getting deeper
With each passing day

You'll wake up one day
And there will be nothing left
Except a few friends
And memories you've kept

So I'm begging you to wake
And open your eyes
Before someone gets hurt
Or GOD FORBID, DIES

Friends, family, and fans
We all watch and we wait
Please let us help you
It's still not too late

P.S. Starts taking more and more.

Nightmares About Magic and Everything Tragic

Lies
Told
Bought & Sold
Causing mass confusion

Truth
Lost
Paying the Cost
& Control is just an illusion

Or perhaps real

Going
Fast
Won't
Last
Reasons becoming clearer

Covering
Up
Excellent
Front
Until you face the mirror

Or perhaps you won't

P.S. Might not get a 3rd chance.

Never Too Late

No, it's not too late. As long as your heart still beats and you are living and breathing, you CAN fix this. Throw your pride out the fucking window. This is so NOT about who's right and who's wrong. Talk to them. Pick up your fucking phone and call them. Choke back that smug fucking attitude and wipe that stupid smirk off your face. Try on some sincerity and humility for once. Say you're sorry and that you've fucked up. I'll bet you a sharpie that they'll listen and that they'll forgive you. These are your friends. They're not trying to keep you from being happy, but they don't want to watch you kill yourself. Tell them everything. Tell them you want to stop. Tell them you're tired of the way things are. Tell them need their help. Tell them you can't do it by yourself.

Turn to the one who is closest to you and hold her. Trust her. Love her like she has never been loved before. Give her all of you, not just the parts she fell in love with. Have the kind of romance that people dream of having. Treat her differently than the others. Be the best to her. Be the best for yourself.

Apologize to your family for taking them for granted. You only get one and no matter what they've done to you or what you've done to them, they will always be your family. Make them proud. Be an example for your younger brother. Be his hero. Help your mother dry her tears for you. Go see her. Let her know you are going to be ok.

And finally, when you get up on that stage again, take a look around. Take yourself back to being that kid in the crowd. Memorize the faces of those who sing your songs back to you. Those are real people with real feelings. Don't take that power lightly. You don't have to be a hero just be yourself. Sign more autographs. Smile more. Shake their hands and TALK to them. It takes so little and it means so much.

There's still time.

P.S. You need batteries.

Blood

You were born and life as I knew it ceased to exist. Everything shifted and we now shared the center of the same universe. Nothing was mine anymore. Excited but unsure. Should I be jealous of you? Should I protect you? Should I be the one to teach you? What if I didn't know all the answers?

Through our life together, you became my best friend and my worst enemy. My grounding force when I lost control. You know my fears. I know you hate spiders. You know I cry too much, so you would make me laugh. I know how you hate to lose, so I would let yow win. We fought a lot, but never wanted to be apart. You know all my weak spots and use them to your advantage, but only because I let you. You are the only one who can get away with that. You are my constant reminder of all my shortcomings, but you accept them. We balance each other out so well.

I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you. I hope I am someone you can respect. I hope that I can still make you mad enough to think. I hope that you are never afraid to come to me. I hope we will continue to be best friends for the rest of our lives.

I'm so glad my life changed on that day. How lonely I would have been without you! I'm so thankful we shared it all together. The same blood, the same lives, the same memories, the same universe.

P.S. Remember 1987?

Running From the Predators

You listen the way a child listens. In defiance with hands over ears and eyes closed. On the verge of throwing a temper tantrum and running from the punishment. Bargaining and shifting blame. Broken promises. Making deals with the devil. Contract signed, sealed, and delivered in blood. Is it your blood or that which you have sucked from others? Some veins have been bled dry.

Don't worry about keeping up. I can still see you way back there. Not really trying. Do you want me to go back for you? Do you want me to wait? Of course not, you like walking alone. I'll see you at the finish line, my friend.

P.S. There still might be a chance afterall.

Honestly, I didn't mean to lie! I swear!

When people stumble across my blog in search of the "real" truth, I thought it would be interesting to pose some questions. Questions that we can ask Mayo, Loveman, anons, and most importantly ourselves. I told you I analyze everything and my thoughts run deep and dark so here is what I've come up with. Step up and dare to answer if you choose. Remember you're only lying to yourself.

Can you look at yourself in the mirror without looking away?
Do you have any regrets?
Have you ever hurt anyone you cared about?
Do you lie? To yourself? To Others?
Have you ever let your mother down?
Have you ever seen your father cry?
Are you scared of something?
Do you feel lonely?
Have you ever said something you wish you could take back?
Do you use people?
Have you ever said "I Love You" and not meant it?
Have you ever helped someone do something that you knew was bad for them just so they wouldn't be lonely and you wouldn't feel alone?
Are you bitter?
Do you take life for granted?
Are you a stranger in your own house?
Do people really know you?
Have your feelings ever been hurt?
Do you feel ugly?
Are you incapable of letting others love you?
Do you think a lot?
Have you ever wanted to make it all go away?
Does your conscience make you feel dirty?
Do you think you're crazy?
Have you ever bargained with God?
Are you at war with yourself?
Would someone name you as their one true friend?
Do you feel guilty for wanting more?
Are you addicted to something?
Are you sure?
Do you wish you were someone or somewhere else?
Do you miss someone?
Can you fix the mistakes you've made?
Have people cried for you?
Have you ever left something unresolved?
Have you ever taken credit for something you didn't do?
Does your pride get in the way?
Will you let yourself be happy?
Do you hate someone?
Can you sleep peacefully?
What have you accomplished?
Do you still have dreams of your own?
Have you listened to anyone lately?
Could you save someone?
Would you try?
Could you do better?
Have you ever sold someone out?
Do you scream so loudly that you drown out the voice of reason?
Do you like living so close to the edge?
Do you think others are weak?
Do you know what you're capable of?
Do you want to throw it all away?


P.S. Devil on one shoulder...angel on the other....caught in the middle.

Let's Go Back to the Beginning of the Middle of Day

This all started innocently for me on buzznet. There I found Loveman's blog and the rest is blog history. People have been begging me to create my own blog so here it is. I'm no writer. Hell, I've never even kept a journal or a diary. Not in last 20 years anyway. The last diary I had was pink and I must have been around 8 years old. I didn't write in it buy maybe 3 times. I suppose my trust issues existed even back then. I mean what could an 8 year old have to say that would have been so secret??

Anyways, here I am. Now that you guys have called me out. I'm gonna give this a try and let's see how much I really have to say. This has been great fun meeting all of you and finding out there are people out there kinda like me. This has been the best therapy ever.

My thoughts run deep and dark. I will analyze the hell out of any situation. I love to argue different points of view. When I love, I love hard and forever. I'm pretty fucked up you could say. But hell, I wouldn't have it any other way.

P.S. Smoke&Venom20, Sister Midnite, Ergoproxy, Kapunua, Bleeding Chaos, and all my Anon Friends: You guys can play kickball in my blog any day! Special Treats for all!