Getting very hard to breathe.....
Decisions need to be made and very soon.
The very prospect scares the living shit out of me.
What if I am wrong and you are right? What if I am just like mother?
I can't for the life of me pinpoint the day that it all changed for us. It hasn't been the same for so long now and yet I'm still here. Stupidity or pride? Does it even matter anymore? Constantly driven...but by what? Fear of being wrong? Fear of being alone? Fear of failure? When will I finally have to admit to myself that I can't help you. You won't even really let me try. You just won't let me in and you are hellbent on destroying me and killing my love for you.
Why must you suck everything good out of my life? Love is supposed to be 50/50, right? Bullfuckingshit...Never. Everything that was once so sweet and pure is now rotten and leaves a nasty bitter taste in my mouth. I want to cringe and pull away when you touch me and withdraw back into myself. Why? Because the same mouth you use to tell me how much you love me and how much you need me is the same mouth that tells me how stupid and insignificant I am.
So now, here I sit in front of this computer...my only refuge and you must try and take that from me as well. Why must you talk to me that way? Does it make you feel powerful? I would rather you just punch me in the gut because at least that would only hurt for a few minutes. Your words cut like a knife into my heart and I can feel the scar tissue beginning to form.
Now I must decide....Do I walk away? Do I stay and fight? Do I even still love you? I've lost that feeling and I can't find it. Don't blame me. You buried it under all your bullshit, fear, and hate. We could have had something really special....now there's nothing but resentment and hurt. I wonder if you will even care if I walk away. Will it even make you sad? Part of me wants to scream at you, part of me wants to hurt you the way you have hurt me.
But most of all...what I really want to say to you is CONGRATULATIONS, MOTHER FUCKER!! YOU FUCKING WIN! How does it feel to know that you killed someone? Do you like that shit? Do you like the taste of my blood? Because that is exactly what you've done, you killed the person I was. A sweet, honest, loving, pure-hearted, naive girl and turned her into a bitter, untrusting, resentful, vengeful woman.
A new person was born from that death and that new person is just like YOU. Thanks for the fucking life lessons....thanks for memories...and thanks for the venom, mother fucker.
p.s. "Well after all, we'll lie another day
And through it all, we'll find some other way"
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17 comments:
sdock10,
Walk away.
I have seen this story play out again and again.
I lived in a house with it for 17 years.
They can't win if you don't participate in the fight.
You don't have to play the game.
What if I'm not walking away for myself....what if I'm running from something else?
Sdock10,
Walk away, for your own sanity walk away.
I didn't and it screwed me up.
11 years after HE left me because I didn't fit into HIS way of thinking, I am now the person I once was.
It has taken too long.
If you feel like this you NEED to get out, if only to give yourself enough time to re-evaluate things.
WOW sdock10,this is a powerful letter.
May I say,
fear makes one control
fear makes one stay
both are not right
live in fear or be free
This is who you really are,Ive seen it in your posts lately;
(((A sweet, honest, loving, pure-hearted, naive girl)))
but this is who you (think) you are now;
(((bitter, untrusting, resentful, vengeful woman.)))
Please,think of who you are and want to be and gently blow away all who do not fit in.
Not with hatred or bitterness,
just acceptance and move on if needed.
just experience talking,
thx and love `sc
Stay strong Sdock10.
Much love sent your way.
You guys,
I love you all so much. You guys always make me feel like I am stronger than I really am.
Maybe one day I will believe....
maybe.
Love to you all,
S
Walk. The hell. Away.
Take your power back and walk away. Take control back and just walk away. You mustn't let another person control how you feel, how you act, and who you are. So take back control and walk away.
sdock, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Being alone isn't so bad. In fact, it is a hell of a lot better than being miserable all the time with someone. If you need anything, or just need to talk to someone, let me know.
Sdock10, you know I'll be here if you need me. *hugz*
I've lived like this, too. Your letter EXACTLY describes how I felt at the time. When you go from laying next to him and thinking, "God, I love him" to "How can I kill him?", it's time to walk away. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
You ARE a sweet, honest, loving, pure-hearted girl. But not naive -- if you ever were, that's long gone. You can only be a bitter, untrusting, resentful, vengeful woman if you let him make you one. As much as you love him, or once did, don't give him that power. Give all the love you have to someone who deserves you.
Listen to your heart, make your decision and never look back. You will find an inner strength to do what you need to do.
My heart goes out to you, you will be in my thoughts.
Remember, life is short.
Sdock10,
There has been much discussion over at Mayo's place about pretending to be something one is not.
Granted, there has been much talk of that in a negative fashion.
But sometimes, if we do something that we know someone greater or stronger than us would do, even if we don't feel it inside, even if we know we are about as sturdy as a one-legged table but we keep acting as if we're a powerful individual, someday you wake up and realize,
I am now that person. I have that strength. I now have that ability.
Sometimes we have to pretend to be a great person, act like one, "lie" as you will, to become a great person.
Please, Sdock10. Oh please, walk away.
The pain can be so addicting, I know. What would you have if you didn't have the pain, what would you think about if you didn't have the constant conflict?
There's only one way to find out.
I'm pretty sure you're sister has an open room at her house. She would probably welcome you right on in. You're not married and you have no children. All you have right now is YOU. And since those heart strings are being cut one by one, you have no attachment to him whatsoever. He will be the one losing in the end.
P.S. - Let the tiara light the way.
No, I missed you!
Well, I'm leaving a pack of smokes and a lighter shaped like Frank on the table.
Enjoy them at your leisure.
Please take care of yourself (when you're not smoking imaginary cigarettes, that is).
I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to you.
Eeee, so sad.
But I was busy being a whore and posting the biggest frickin' thing ever.
I'm not allowing myself to post again because it would be unfair.
I just parked my big ass on that blog and took up too much room.
If I don't hear from you, I wish you a deliciously, spookily, spiffy-tacular Halloween, love.
P.S planning the great escape...
... does that mean what I think it means?
Good luck my poppet :)
A sweet, honest, loving, pure-hearted girl still resides within you. She's just covered with harsh words that have scarred you. Walk out that door and don't look back, don't ever look back. At first it won't be easy, but you will survive.
I don't know you, but I'm sure you are a lot stronger than you realize. Your blogs show me that.
You deserve to be loved and treated better than what you are right now.
mikey's t-shirt makes me sick, wonder if ray or frank will be wearing one at tonight's show.
That would sicken me. MSI = garbage
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