Tick, Tock goes the clock on the wall. I hear it and I watch it. I should be working. Really, there has got to be something that needs my attention. Seconds turn into minutes turning into hours dropping off my life. Forever. Gone. Time spent wishing time away. But when it comes time, will I bargain with the devil for a few extra days or will I beg and plead with God to forgive me and take me earlier? Like God should listen to me. I only call on him these days to curse something or question something. The devil, on the otherhand, he and I are close, personal friends. He keeps me right where I am and causes me to laugh at my predicament rather than fix it.
"Girl, just keep on wallowing in it. Call on me and I will give you the tools you need to complete your self destruction. It will be fantastic. Something to be remembered."
"But devil, can't I have more in my life? Don't I deserve to be loved?"
"Foolish girl. You are getting exactly what you deserved. Exactly what you prayed to get, remember? God is not the only one who answers prayers, my sweet. I gave you what you wanted and now you want to backtrack on our deal. Let me refresh your memory. You wanted him. He tried to warn you that he would never fall in love with you and you did not care. Be damned with everything else. You would offer yourself up to him and expect nothing in return. How noble of you. Did I not deliver for you? Did you not get exactly what you asked for? Now all that is left for you is to laugh at your pathetic life and your pathetic self. It really is quite funny. You played a game with me and you lost. Thinking you could make a difference. That you could love someone into loving you. Girl, you are full of it. Do you think you are believable? How could anyone love you? You don't even love yourself, but don't worry. I am here for you always, my dear. Here to always remind you of who you really are and the little deal we made. Oh and God called. He said when you stop lying to yourself he'll be glad to talk to you again. Until then....looks like it's you and me, kid."
p.s. What did I really have to lose?
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36 comments:
I'll always love you socky baby.
You don't give yourself enough credit, Sock-Dock. You are TOO worthy of love. What you need is a man who deserves you!
But if you should end up down here in The Hot Place, come find me. I'm the one selling real estate & commercial licenses.
Love,
- Sis M
There is a lot of love out there for you smellysock10. Remember that when things seem grey.
Sdock, sounds like it just wasn't a good match.
But by matching it doesn't mean the same. Oxymoron much? Doesn't seem like this guy was ready to be loved. You will find yours when it is the right time. But in the meantime remind yourself how important it is like who you are underneath it all. What are the things you don't like about yourself? I think you will find that there probably not a whole lot stuff there to dislike. Everyone has touches of something, hence it making us not perfect. I would feel so horrible dating someone that was perfect. See, we all need to be flawed. It keeps us on our toes.
Blah, blah, right....sorry about that. :)
Love ya Sdock. I really do.
I missed a bunch of words. Crap. Sorry about that. Typing too fast.
Thank all of you guys for every thing. You are the best people EVER...totally.
And I fucked up my PS and you didn't even tell me....that's a true friend.
I love ya'll to pieces!
I'm here.
If you ever need me.
Sdock,
Remember that I love you. =]
For ever and ever.
A gazillion and three megabillion hugs!!
xoxoxox
Sdock,
Let me give you a big hug. You are SO worth love, I am blinded by the wonderful qualities radiating out of you. But we are all so screwed in our own way. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I suspect he may have been projecting his own feelings of self worth onto you. Not fun when you are the recipient.
You deserve happiness.
Oh honey.. you're so beautiful and worthy of love.
I'm here, anytime, I promise you. xx
Little Pink Sock (it's a reference from the comic strip "Mutts", and it's my favorite),
It's so easy to blame yourself when others push you down. "If only I were good enough...", "If I had tried harder...", "I'm such a bad person, I couldn't fix him..." Baby, please, you have so much to give others that it could never be wrong. There are some people in this world who are just not fixable. I know, and Lisa knows, both from personal experience.
You hang on to the last string of hope, believing that one more word, one more caress, one more act of sacrifice will be the Magic One. But sometimes there is no Magic One. Sometimes the magic dissipates and leaves you holding the empty lamp.
Devil be damned! He can't hold you, not with both God and the Mayo Mafia on your side! Kick him in the nuts, spit in his face, and say, "FUCK YOU! You can't touch me anymore!" I bet Sister Midnite will let you borrow her boots. ;)
Get up, get out, get away from that motherfucker. It's never too late. If you need help, Lisa and I will come help you. It's not that far a drive.
Remember we love you. Nothing can stop you with love on your side.
Faith, Hope, Love, Happiness, Peace
Jen
Love ya S!
I'm here too!
Much Love.
S,
It appears both of your prayers were answered
You have made a (difference),in the lives within these walls,with your truth,humor and love.
and you are (loved) for it.
love to you,
`sc
My dear s10
You said if i wanted to talk to come to you when i was ready.
I'm not ready, but with the death of my brother things are no so good.
I come online to talk and smile, but if you could see me on the other end of this computer, I'm a wreck.
We still are waiting to find out why he died, they think it was a heart attack, but he had no heart problems.
With all the deaths over the last two years, its been hard for me to carry on, go day by day like nothing is wrong, to work and smile and laugh, just to come home and break down.
When they all died in 2005 i had my brother to pull me through, he made me strong, he made me feel like everything was going to be OK.
He was such a joker, he was older than me, and would get so mad at some of the dumb things i did or got myself into, then he would see how hurt i was and would start telling jokes, or make fun of how my face looked when i cried.
I ask myself why everyone i loved died, I'm the one death has chased around, hit head on by a drunk driver...i lived.
Almost drowned in a lake...was burned over 50 percent of my body, and yet there the ones who died.
And i think, am i lucky or cursed, or being punished for something i did so long ago that i can not remember.
My brother loved to shoot pool, and had me on a pool table at the age of 5, we even played on a team for four years together, we had so much in common, we even liked the same football team.
When he died, it may sound strange, but i was so mad at him, i was mad he did not tell me something was wrong with him, i was mad he did not call me back that day, and i have so many what ifs going on in my mind.
You are the first person i have talked too about this, i have friends but just the look on there faces when they look at me, tells me, i can not talk to them with out pity being thrown at me.
I go to work, and they tip toe around talking to me about it.
So this is me, setting in a chair, typing on a computer to someone i know, but do not know.
I carry on with life, i try to sleep, I work to pay bills, but i miss him so much, my heart feels pain, its hard to express the way that feels but my heart hurts.
OK i have said enough, just wanted to get that out, and thanks for letting me talk about it.\
If you really knew me, you would see I'm a strong person, i know life goes on, and one day it will get better, but when you loose seven people you love in two years time, it takes its toll.
I am the only family i have now, what i do with my life, is up to me, and i have to do something with it, so that when they look down on me, i can make them proud, not disappointed.
Now like everyday, I'm going to bed, just to get up and do it all over again.
So goodnight, and thanks for letting me speak.
PJ
pj,
I am so glad you came here to talk. I have been looking for you all night. I was worried that you might've thought I didn't hear you earlier and I had know way to tap you on the shoulder and tell you to come on over to my place. I will not sit here and tell you things that everyone else has already said to you...I understand, It's okay, Things will get better, blah blah blah. You have heard it enough over the past 2 years and you can smell bullshit a mile away. What you are going through, it fucking sucks! You have every right to feel exactly the way you need to feel to heal yourself. If you feel pissed off, get fucking mad, If you feel like dying yourself, cry, you know one of those puking gagging cries. I am so proud of you for at least talking about it and I hope...God I hope, it at least made you feel a little better. Maybe like you could almost breathe again? This is just the first step...Fuck, you know this. You've been through it too many times already. So let me say something else, honey you must have a purpose here. And I don't think it's to be punished or tortured. One day you will figure out what that purpose is...and you'll be like okay, I get it now. This is why I had to go through all that shit...to get right fucking here.
One more thing, YOU are not alone. You are here...I am here. You might not can see me, but I've got you. Holding on...lean on me, cry on me. Whatever you need. Take it.
Come back and talk again...
Make yourself at home.
Love,
S
S10
Thank you so much for hearing me, and not pitying me.
Days like today when i am not working is so hard for me, i try to set and watch TV, but i have so many pictures of family around me, that i just can not put away in some box.
We joke about ghost on here, but my ghost are memories, walking in a room and picturing them there, the phone rings and i thank its one of them.
I was watching TV last night and a commercial for a pool tournament that was coming on next,came on and i picked up the phone dialed his number, and it only hit me when it said, this is no longer a working number, how dumb is that.
Your words say so much, and make me feel a lot better, thanks for caring, now i am going to go to Mayo's page, and see what is going on, i wonder if he knows the people he has brought together are special, thoughtful, smart, and gives a part of there lives to come and chat, look at me, a lost little puppy, found by kind strangers and welcomed into a warm home.
Thanks S, you really do not know, what you do for me.
PJ
Stopped to say good night!
Today was not so bad.
Night!
pj,
Damnit, I always miss you. Come hunt me us at discussmayo.blogspot.com
We really should change the name of that blog. Most of the time we are not even discussing mayo at all. Just hanging out doing nothing.
I'm glad you had a "not so bad" day. Hey, that's better than you expected, right? Baby steps...baby steps. You're so right about memories being your ghosts. But I know how much you cherish those memories and as hard as it is, they also provide great comfort. And what's really funny is that right now everything is so fresh in your mind...what their voices sounded like, how they smelled, their laugh....and it's raw emotion that these memories bring out but over time you will struggle with trying to keep these memories alive. So let those "ghosts" hang around as long as they will...you'll miss them when they aren't.
Did that make any sense whatsoever?
Maybe...
And you asked if I think Mayo knows how special his place and we are?
Yes, I think he does. Absolutely.
When I sit back and think how this whole thing started and what it has become...what we all have become, I am truly in awe.
And you my friend, have no idea what you do for me or what you mean to me. Thank you.
Love,
S
Thank you S.
It's you i give thanks too, i talk to you like i would a friend, and right now i can not talk to friends, i could but will not, not yet!
I am not going to talk sad today, but let you know i still love life, i have had some black thoughts and believe i have over come them.\
Today i made me a promise, i am getting out of this house and going to the mall, not to shop, i hate shopping, but just to get out amongst people.
I am going now to mayos house, thank you so much sis, you are my candle in a place where i can not see, i thank you.
pj
Socky-Docky, you can come hang out in my lil' bloggie any ol' time.
I love you, will save you a seat on the bus to Destination: MAYO.
*HUGZ*
Hi S ,
I had to stop by here and just let you know, it was a heart attack, but not your run of the mill one, he had hurt his leg a week or so before it happened and it was a clot that caused it, i do not really understand it, but i accept it.
I just miss him, ya know!
I know i can not be bitter or angry anymore, I'm at the crying stage now, where i just set and cry, he was such a good brother, and sometimes father, and he was always there when i needed him.
What is life now....I do not know!
Where is my life going from here....I do not know!
What i do know is, i will go on, i will still live and one day i may even smile and laugh.
But you are right, it's baby steps, I'm in a whole new world now, and I'm scared, I'm alone, and i owe it to them, all of them, to do something with myself, and tell there stories, when i have kids i will tell them all the funny stuff my family did while they where alive.
OK iv said enough!
Thanks for being here for me, it is most appreciated.
And you know when i write S for sdock, it stands for sis too, hope you don't mind.
What I wouldn't give...
Funny thing is, those words weren't mine. In a way I'm glad they aren't, but in a way, they already are.
I could never write as good as that. Nor could I ever let my thoughts flow as freely. I could never be that honest with myself.
You see. I have a fear of writing. Once it's down on paper or in this journal, it becomes tangible and a credible piece of evidence to use against myself. It becomes real. And the thoughts that I have, I don't want them to be real.
That's why it's so convenient to use someone elses words that only describe how I feel. That way, in my twisted brain, the words won't hold such a sting and bring back tears in the morning light. They'll be there to remind me of a time that I felt, but didn't want to.
pj,
I was worried about you. You disappeared from DM and I didn't know what happened.
The way your brother died...that's terrible. You know I often ask myself what's the best way for someone to die. Is it better to know and have months to live or have someone taken suddenly? It really doesn't matter, does it? We grieve the same way and we never want to let them go.
You just keep hanging on. Some days will be good and some days you will not even want to get out of bed. Some days you will have all the answers and some days you will question everything. Some days you cling to the memories and some days it will hurt too much...but guess what? As long as you feel something...anything...you are alive. And just like Mayo said..it's life and it is beautifully unexpected. Who would have thought we would all end up here together? Insanely crazy, but so amazingly fantastic.
I am here for you always...
Faithfully like that.
Love,
S
Goodnight to you, my friend.
Thank you for being one of my voices of reason. And thank you for being my rope buddy. And my lean-to. And a shoulder as well.
Just, thank you.
Do you mind if I hum?
I missed you today. Just wanted to stop by to say "hi."
(leaves 1 cigarette for you)
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Alright, alright, it's an itsy bitsy bit dramatic, but I do love you sockysock! :) :)
SDOOOOCKK!
I miss you, sugarplum! I haven't talked to you in quite the number of days!
16581651567651651 quamackazillion hugs!!! *HUG*
How are you?
What is new in your life?
...
=D
xoxo;
- 007
Hi S,
Just had to stop by on my way to do chores.
For a few days i have had some good ones, no crying, or pity or even being so low, I'm starting to feel some peace.
I was not going to do Christmas this year, whats the point! Right?
But its funny how life can change you.
My best friend is coming down from Tennessee, with her husband and four kids.
They have decided to spend Christmas with me, she said she is not even going to put up a tree or anything and wants me to do all the decorating, tree and all.
I can not tell you what that means to me, to have her and the kids here for Christmas, to hear all the laughter in my house, to have it filled with so much love and caring, to get to see the kids wake up to Santa under the tree, and set down to Christmas dinner like family.
It's got to be the greatest gift a friend could ever give to me.
Now i have to buy a tree and decorate, they will be here in two weeks, I'm so filled to the brim right now, that i can not put it into words.
S, I am still loved, i still have family, and i see i am not alone.
I just had to share that with you, cause you have been my rock, and tears are falling down my face right now as i write this, so thank you so much!
PJ
Hey Sdock, I posted it. Not the best in the world, but oh well. It sounded better when I wrote it.
I made a comment about it on Mayo's blog, but deleted it. I didn't want a bunch of anon people coming to my blog. I know, I'm a weirdo like that.
Talk to you soon!
Love,
Me
pj,
I am so happy for you. It sounds like you are going to have the most wonderful Christmas....a real Christmas. Isn't that what it's supposed to be about? Isn't it great to be reminded? Especially when it comes to having kids in the house....I love to spoil kids at Christmas, don't you? It takes me back to when I was little and everything was magical...and I still believed. And I think a part of us always wants to believe...
I think I am going to try extra hard this year. What do you think?
Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to respond. I have been forbidden to blog at work and that sucks so bad. It's one of the few things I look forward to. True, I know I shouldn't be doing it at work, but hell I am a great multitasker...they should pay me to blog. haha!
You are such a strong person, PJ. I admire you more than you know. I wish you a holiday filled with laughter, happiness, and peace. Somehow, I think you'll get it.
See, Thanks to you, I've already started believing...
Come see me again soon!
Love,
S
You have no idea how amazing you are, do you?
If you go to hell, tell the devil I said 'Hi Daddy!'
I am going through my blog and giving kisses to everyone who left me a comment. You all are more amazing than you can imagine.
xxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you for the blog comment, you don't know how much it means to me.
sdock, thank you so much for stopping by my blog tonight.
to be honest, it's very difficult for me really talk about what's going on with me over at mayo's. it sticks inside, i swallow it down with my tears because i just can't believe anyone wants to know. because once i start talking about it, i'll never stop, and i'll wear you all out.
so it builds up, and then i burst, and i say things that amaze even me for their boldness, and when people tell me how proud of me they are for speaking up, i'm so pleased, like a little puppy practically. but afterwards, i'm right back where i started. i always seem to need another pat on the head.
do you want to know -- well, maybe not, but it's easier to say things in our individual blogs, so i'll just blurt this out, okay? -- but when i read mayo's post tonight, i cried, because i knew there was no way he was holding out that hand for me. impossible. not for me.
mayo's is so important to me, but most of the time i feel like i really don't belong there.
seeing your comment at my blog tonight surprised me. i kind of figured i knew who would end up reading it, and commenting on it. i kind of thought i knew who the people are who see me. having you visit my blog means more to me than you might realize.
thank you.
-tj
S, I do not have long, but i had to stop and say Hi!
You have to believe, buy that tree, put up those lights, wrap the presents.
When the world brings you pain, fate brings you morphine!
I am strong, when i should break, and i all most did, i came real close, and I'm sure you know what i am talking about.
But our hearts have touched each other in so many ways, just as you where here for me, i will be there for you.
Mayo, has brought two lost souls together, and even tho we share a bond of insanity, its a bond non the less....lol
I want to sing!!!!
Let's start with a Christmas song......
Ready........
Dashing threw the snow......la la la la la la la.
Keep singing.....
I will catch you later!
PJ
Sdock, I just saw your comment. And I can proudly say those words are all mine. No quote. Just the inner frustrations of my head. Thank you for your support. I'm still working on just getting shit out there, but it's a hard process. I've never had someone that would even care about listening. And I've never felt comfortable talking to someone face to face.
It's a lot easier to hit the backspace button.
Thank you for everything, Sdock. I don't know that words could ever repay what you've helped me with. Your words, your thoughts. They've all got a little tiny folder in my head labeled "Rope Buddy." I pull them out when I need a good talkin' to.
What do you say to finding some words in that skull of yours and giving us all a new blog to think about and ponder over?
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