Some people might say that I'm crazy. Crazy things spill from my head. My head keeps spinning. Spinning and weaving my tale, and sometimes it gets hard to keep up. Up to my neck in my own bullshit. Bullshit that keeps getting deeper. Deeper than the dark hole that I am sitting in. In this place, I sit. Sit infrequently and thinking constantly. Constantly moving my dirt all around. Around this place, it gets lonely sometimes. Sometimes I need a friend. A friend that would offer an answer. An answer to questions not found. Found my companion to be me, myself, and I. I talk to myself quite a lot. A lot of the time it's just rambling. But some of the time it is not. Not that I mind all the voices. The voices have nice things to say. They say I have nothing to fear here, and tomorrow is a brand new day. A day where all things are possible, and everything starts fresh and new. New ideas to get out of this hole, and the hell that I'm going through. Through all this right now, I bet you are thinking. Your thinking, does she have a point? Point of the story is secret. And the secret shall not be revealed. Revealed here or no where until what is broken has healed. Healed wounds and patched heart maybe if I'm lucky. Lucky I can hide all my scars. Scars are reminders of battles. Battles I have fought and I have won. Won a chance to do it all over. Overturned and play a new part. Part of me wishes I could stop this. This insanity that I know so well. Well if it all stopped at this moment, I'd die and be burning in hell. Hell won't have me just yet, so I'll patiently sit and I'll wait. Wait for someone to toss me a rope, or a shovel to dig my own grave......
Love Always,
S
p.s. Damn that felt good....
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27 comments:
O.o
I read this about three times. And for some reason, it cuts the deepest when I read it very fast.
It's frantic, it's chaotic, it's screaming for answers. And I fucking LOVE it.
It describes exactly how I felt when I was on Imipramine back in '98. (Did I ever tell you about '98?)
*hugz* You definitely have a way with words, Sdock.
Thanks Sister.
I was feeling very chaotic when I wrote it, but I felt that if I didn't write it I would blow. Like I just wanted it to stop, ya know?
I still a little like that now. Hell maybe I'm manic right now. I have no fucking clue.
What is imipramine? Is it good? Should I be on it? Tell me more.
Thanks for always coming to visit me.
It's spectacular to have you back!
Love ya,
S
It's quiet in here...like creepy quiet. This is the most silence I've let myself hear all day long.
Now I am all by myself....AGAIN!
Interesting...wonder where this will take me?
Damn, I thought I heard someone...Must be the wind. Hello? Anyone here?
You are an amazing writer!
That's all I have to say right now!
Just WOW!
Do you do this professionally?
You should.
Baroness,
You flatter me. Thank you so much. But I still have much to learn from myself before I would even attempt such a feat.
...baby steps.
Love ya,
S
I'm here Sdock. Got kicked out of Mayo's for being on the slow train.
I write like you do sometimes. Just points. Not really thoughts, more like fragments of thoughts. More like a series of neurons firing one behind the other.
I like doing it that way best. It never makes sense to me in the morning, as I usually have more to write about at night. I'll read and reread, but I come up short.
I admire you for your ability to take a photograph of your thoughts. That's a difficult task to accomplish. I'm envious of your eloquence. And, I'm so glad that felt good.
MIB,
I am honored that you have stopped by my tragic little space.
Thank you so much for everything.
What can I say except that I am still finding myself. Sometimes I make sense, sometimes I don't.
But I'm beginning to love all of it and that's what feels good.
Love,
s
Sdock,
What I like most about you is seeing your transformation. I know I told you this before, but it's definitely worth stating again.
When all of this started, the words you used screamed fear, resentment, anger, sadness, lonliness, and rage. I'm glad to see this metamorphasis. You seem much more at peace, though you sometimes still have to battle the demons, I feel that you may be on the road to self appreciation and discovery. And for that, I'm so happy.
I can relate to your words, as I feel that I've been down that road and am still trudging on it. You make so much sense to me. So, never give up writing your thoughts. They somehow always explain how I'm feeling.
You know I know you...you and me. Me and you, we are so much the same. The same in so many different ways. Ways we find to speak, to write, to talk. Talk here if you would like. Like the others. Others who come and go. Go ahead and tell me what you think. Think about it and give me you honesty. Honesty does exist you know. Know that truth is harder to find. Find what you might need here if you will. Will you look and see? See this place. This place is my home. My home where I fill safe. Safe like I feel when I'm in your house. Your house is where it all started. Started me on my journey. My journey to find myself. Myself and to help you. You and and all my friends. My friends and you are so very special. Special in the most personal way. Ways to go before I find all that I am searching for.
...but at least it's a damn good start.
Wouldn't you agree?
I see you nodding...
Thank YOU.
MIB,
I had to write that comment for someone sitting in my audience tonight.
I want you to keep writing as well, MIB. It's really liberating. I never thought I would enjoy it so much. I guess I was always scared to let it go. I didn't know what I might find inside or someone might laugh at me...whatever.
I don't know if I could do this if it hadn't been for Mayo and you guys.
I'm sure he appreciates it Sdock. I know I do.
I would have never, ever, under any circumstances, have been able to share what I've shared on here with anyone.
I feel safe here.
It's safe and comforting.
Awwh man MIB, people are getting their feelings hurt over that list of names. DAMNIT!! And I can't fix it. I just left a post at MissT's.
This shit is messed up all the way around.
Mayo Baby,
We need a new blog, Please.
Whew! I admire your openness and sheer balls to just put it out there. I'm not there yet. Maybe some day. I watch you grow and discover yourself and I am envious.
Not to mention, your writing is just sublime.
Jen,
Just let it flow. The good, the bad, the fucked up, the happy, the incoherent. Let the shit go and spill and purge. Thank you always.
You always have the sweetest things to say.
Well, I hope we can get all this straightened out in the morning. People should not be getting their feelings hurt. That shit is fucked up and I am going to fix it.
Mayo,
I gladly call you my friend as well. The call was heard by both you and I....or so it seems. That is why we assemble there. Now don't I feel stupid for not figuring that out sooner.
Love to YOU Always,
S
I saw that Sdock. I left a message at MissT's as well.
I don't know what's going on. Too much frustration. Hopefully Mayo will see this and post soon. It's kinda getting uncontrollable.
Guys, I just posted this at Mayo's blog and Discuss Mayo.
Original Punks said...
I deleted the list because it seems to have caused just too much trouble, even though it was never meant to hurt anyone and I would hate to think any feelings were hurt because of it.
You all know me, and know that is the last thing I would want to do. I love each and every one of you, my friends, and to think that I may have done something to upset you is unbearable.
I was only trying to protect people I care about, but I may have been completely wrong.
I am sorry, please accept my apology.
I bid you goodnight, and will talk to you tomorrow.
Love you all,
L.
November 10, 2007 3:44 AM
what a paragraph! it's stuffed full of separate crystalline images, little shards from your thoughts. wow, sdock. hope you don't mind if i come back to read more?
and tonight? well, tonight was another little storm. they blow up so fast in our tiny little fishbowl blog town, don't they? it's all good now, though.
except it's hard to load that page now. stoopid dial-up. :/
and no new blog until sunday, most likely. *sigh*
er...was this a comment on your entry, or an excuse to gossip? maybe i just multi-tasked my way into your blog! *oops*
catch you at mayo's. ^.^
I think...
We must share one thing,
that thought process.
As in, you took the words right out of my mouth.
At least we both hear voices. :/
Thanks.
I've learnt to talk back.
Just.. not in public.
Sometimes the voices have great ideas.
But I don't obey them blindly.
Well, atleast for the most part.
No, baby. You don't want to be on Imipramine. The side effects make Prozac seem like candy.
Keep writing, I love your style!!!!!!
sdock10 said...
p.s. Identity does not matter...It only matters that you are my friend. Thank you.
That means a hell of a lot to me. Thank you Sdock10.
I've read this post at least 5 times over the last couple days. It's about time I finally comment.
Your writing is both chaotic and organized. Wild stream of consciousness. I like it.
Thanks very much for your comment on my blog. I always appreciate your words.
I'm finding that many people are in a similar predicament with their jobs, much more than I realized. I'm sad that so many of us feel so trapped and hopeless, but in a way, I'm also glad because it means I'm not alone.
My favorite thing about this site is that no matter what I'm going through, there is always someone here who has experienced something similar and understands where I'm coming from.
In your blog, you have expressed many things I think and feel everyday. The constant struggle to make sense of it all. But I'm not very good at pouring it all out like this. I tend to overanalyze my thoughts before they come out. I admire your ability let it come out just the way it is without too much filtering.
[Tosses a rope]
I just read your most recent post at Mayo's. You are a great writer and, even though I don't know you in real life, I feel like I do though your writing.
Dear Sdock10,
I must admit, I've been naughty.
I've been lurking here everyday, keep rereading your post and trying to conjure up the proper verbiage to express what your latest post makes me feel.
So, rather than words, here's that rope back. I think you lost your grip for a moment.
I can smell home. The scent is overwhelming me.
I can't wait to get there with you.
Saying hello!
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