The More I Change...The More Things Stay The Same

Why am I so hard to love?
What is it that's so wrong with me?
Haven't I loved you good enough?
Am I just too stupid and ugly?

Why is it so easy to hurt me?
Does my standing still make me an easy target?
Do you see things in me you wish you could be?
When you're done using me, can I have my heart back?

Do you think I am strong enough to walk away?
Are your arms tired and weak from pushing me so hard?
Is it brave of me to stay and fight another day?
Will you have regrets when you've pushed me too far?

Have you even bothered to notice that I no longer cry?
Does it anger you when I throw your words back in your face?
Is it worrying you at all that you have let my love for you die?
Was it really true that you never loved me in the first place?

Are you sad for me that I have wasted so much time?
Are you shocked to see the new person you have helped create?
Was it really that far fetched or really such a crime
to try and save someone who couldn't be saved?

p.s. Will I ever find something new to write about?

Lost Little Girl

See the little girl lost: walking through this world alone
She ain't looking for a lover, she's just looking for a home

If you want more than sympathy then look for something else
Cause she's not true to anyone, not even to herself
She'll have sixteen smiling strangers who are handing her a line
While she's drawing dirty pictures on the black side of your mind
And that body she'll let anybody hold, but the devil's got her soul

But if you take her, take her easy
Treat her gentle, she used to love me

See the little girl lost, pleading silently for help
Knowing no one understands her, she don't understand herself

She'll feed your hungry ego til you think you're quite a man
But you better count your fingers when she turns loose of your hand
Cause you're just a game she's playing any way that she can win
And you ain't about to touch her any deeper than her skin
In that body anybody can control, but the devil's got her soul

But if you take her, take her easy
Treat her gentle, she used to love me


I did not write this!!
Thanks Kris...I appreciate your letting me borrow those for today.


p.s. Damaged

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to My BlogBelieve Family!

When I think of all the times we've shared
from the silly to the sad
You've been the greatest friends to me
through good times and through bad.
We love to get crazy from time to time,
that's what friends are supposed to do
But when times get rough
there is never a doubt that I can count on all of you.
We have the kind of friendship
that endures til the very end
Because I can't imagine my life without all of you-
You are all my forever friends!


I borrowed that from someone else and changed just a couple of words. It just seemed to sum up all my feelings towards everyone here and our little world we have created.


Faith


Hope


Love


Now and always....

You Talking To Me?

These are the thoughts that go through my head. Isn't that an Alanis song? Yep, it sure is. Why do you always draw flowers? I don't know. I sure wish that bitch behind you would get off the computer so I could blog. It's not your turn...it's her lunch break. Speaking of lunch, I am so fucking hungry and have a headache. Well, make up your mind what you want to eat, silly. It's an easy problem to fix. Now the bitch is coughing and not even a real cough. Just enough to be irritating, but not quite irritating enough to warrant killing her. The phone is ringing. You really should answer that. I am if you will shut up. Now, you are drawing circles. I call that regression. Why is your desk so messy? Looks like you have plenty of shit to do. I don't want to, okay? Why is your leg shaking like that? Because I'm talking to you and I don't want to talk to you right now. Why? I am working on my blog. Oooooooh, let me see. No! You will just laugh. Well, at least tell me what it's about. It's about me. Muhahah, oh well that is going to be funny as hell. See, I knew you would do that. Do what? That. Someone sure is awfully sensitive today. Don't cut your eyes at me. It just makes you look stupid. Could you just go away? Nope, I have nothing better to do. You'd better answer that phone again. Oh, why don't you let me answer it? Oh, okay this will be fun. It was a joke. I can't let you talk to people. You are no fun at all. No, that's not true. You just try to get me in trouble. Do I? It's not my fault you are so boring. I just keep things interesting. Goddamnit take that phone of the hook, so I can talk to you! I already told you that I was busy. Oh, yes, writing your new blog. I wonder how many people can't sleep waiting on that shit. You're just so fucking mean. No, I am fucking honest You don't have to say it that way, do you? No, but it gets your attention that way. Stop fucking writing on yourself! What? Are you like 12? Goddamnit, be still and focus! But, all I can hear is you! Tee-fucking-dah! Exactly! I'm the one you should be listening to. I don't know about that. Really? Indecisive much? Can't say that I'm shocked on this end. You just fucking rolled your eyes at me. No, I'm just tired. Yeah, I'd be tired of this life too, if I were you.

Hey! Wait just a fucking minute...I am you.

Now what were you saying again?

Nevermind...you never listen to me anyway.

p.s. Shut the fuck up!

Inspiration/Desperation

Desperate to be inspired...or inspired by being desperate?

I have no fucking clue. I'm writing this blindly. Usually my posts are more thought out and I have some sort of outline or plan, but not this one. This one had to be this way. I had to challenge myself to see where it was all coming from. I sit now in the quiet of my house, and I am missing something. What's worse is that I don't know what it is I am missing. I just know that I am so far from being a complete person. There are pieces of me scattered about...here, there, everywhere. She has some, he has some, you have some...and very little is left for me. I give away all the good parts so freely. I know what I need...I need music. My life support...my blood supply. I need a transfusion. Whew, there that's better. I haven't heard this CD in so long....Romanza. Surprised much? Yes, I listen to all that moves me. I must be able to feel it. I used to have it all figured out. What the fuck happened to me? The music isn't loud enough....ok, better. Now, I am moved to tears. I need to cry, but I stop myself again. I have been told by too many what a waste of time and energy it is....the story of my whole life...a waste. Wondering and wandering around. Just existing. Trying so hard so give love away....thinking that somehow it will make me feel loved. I know that I'm just trying to make up for the fact that I don't love myself. Repeat much? I'm sensing a theme here.

And all I have is this....

Words...Pages...My subconscious neatly written in a spiral bound notebook. I guard it with my life. If it fell into the wrong hands, the truth would be laid out for all to see. Some are not ready....I am not ready. I am scared. So scared of not feeling...of this being all there is. What if this is all I am good at? Talking to myself? Where will that get me in life? Oooh, I know....crazyville.

My dark corner....my favorite place. You are there with me. We've made it this far. I never thought you'd sit with me, but you did. Sometimes I reach for you, sometimes you reach for me.....sometimes we miss each other...and a couple of times we even held hands.

You know "almost" is my favorite word, don't you? So are you almost ready to go on that walk with me? Yeah, and I'm almost ready to be honest with myself.....almost.


p.s. Destination Unknown