How is that possible?
It's too easy.
What does that even mean?
Fuck if I know.
Who were we talking about again?
Nobody.....She's not important.
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Life is just a metaphor.
21 comments:
A book full of contradictions. I know them all too well. I don't make sense of myself half of the time, and the other half doesn't either. That makes me senseless, yet acutely aware that I am. Weird how the mind works.
I'm sorry I didn't talk to you more today. My mind wasn't in it today. I'm drained, and the thoughts just aren't there. I wish they were.
Tomorrow will be different though.
Hah! See? I just did it and I didn't even realize I did it.
It really won't and we know that. But, what will be different is us talking :)
PPU,
I wish you'd come here and talk to me. I wish you'd assure me that you're okay. I wish you'd let me be there for you. I wish you'd let me at least try.
I don't even know if you'll read this, but I thought you should know.
Love,
S
Sdock10,
Even if you forget about you, I sure as hell don't.
Hi.
I think if you honestly want to be free from fear of change, it's all about the baby steps.
Take an hour to focus on why you're such a fantastic person for instance.
I do read all of your blogs, Solly, but usually do not know what to say. I just do not know how to help you and I hate that.
PPU,
You don't have to say anything. Just let me know that you're here. That means more to me than anything.
Now, back to what I mentioned earlier. When are you going to let me try and be there for you?
But, do I really?
Do I really understand? Half the shit that goes on in my head, I can't even wrap thoughts around. It's just there waiting to be sorted. If I get around to it, I get around to it. If I don't, it sits there and feeds off of me, growing and mutating, until I can't do anything about it.
But, I do understand the likeness. Destiny. Maybe we were destined to find this place and be similar, and try to help each other. Hell if I know what it was.
I'll all always be eternally grateful though.
Your post to Mayo this morning said it all. Thank you.
(Sneaks in, leaves a dozen red and white roses and an extra large heart of chocolates directly imported from Switzerland)
Muah! That's a kiss in my strange text language.
Sdock sweetie. I love you so much. you always come and rescue me.
I cannot express how amazing you are.
Thinking about you today. Read a poem that I can not get out of my head, and I want to share it with you. It reminded me of your comment the other day about how we all pretend to be something/someone we are not, mostly for the sake of others.
a smile to remember
we had goldfish and they circled around and around
in the bowl on the table near the heavy drapes
covering the picture window and
my mother, always smiling, wanting us all
to be happy, told me, "be happy Henry!"
and she was right: it's better to be happy if you
can
but my father continued to beat her and me several times a week while
raging inside his 6-foot-two frame because he couldn't
understand what was attacking him from within.
my mother, poor fish,
wanting to be happy, beaten two or three times a
week, telling me to be happy: "Henry, smile!
why don't you ever smile?"
and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw
one day the goldfish died, all five of them,
they floated on the water, on their sides, their
eyes still open,
and when my father got home he threw them to the cat
there on the kitchen floor and we watched as my mother
smiled
PPU,
Thank you for that.
Do you want to know what's funny? Well, maybe not as much funny as completely sad.
Right now, as I type this, I'm doing it. I'm pretending. Sitting across the table from someone who I feel like I barely know anymore. I'm faking the night away. Like I really care if the steak is done. If the salads get prepared. If the bread is toasted. And he thinks everything is normal and I could hardly eat. I feel like puking.
But it's so much easier to keep pretending. I know he needs me. I know that if I left him he would be worse than before I met him.
So I keep smiling...
It's easier than crying.
There's nothing special in that. Just my pathetic excuse, right?
PPU, Would you let me try and be your friend? I would do my best by you, I promise. I would try and make you feel better when you hurt. I would make you laugh when you need to smile. I would listen when you need someone to scream to. I would let you cry when you need to be sad.
And I would let you create all the mischief and stir up all the trouble you could stand.
Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you for listening to me.
Thank you for hearing me.
Thank you for seeing me.
Love,
S
I already consider us friends, Shelby.
And you do not have to thank me. I enjoy "listening" to you and besides, that is what friends are for, right?
I wish you did not have to pretend, especially with the one you are supposed to be in love with.
He is obviously failing you, in some way. You should think about yourself and do what makes YOU happy.
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying.
God, I don't know how many times I've said this in the past week but....
LISTEN TO THE UNICORN!!!!
Jeez, Solly. How many times do we have to tell you!?!?!?!
hey sd10, i have things on my mind but i am best just putting it to the back of my mind. i am truly sorry i cant be there for you tonight.
you are wonderful and amazing. i hope you know that.
xx
well your comment just gave me a laugh so that one is ticked off the list, maybe the spanking can be ticked off again
i swear you make me dirty even when i feel shit. naughty sd10 naughty naughty
cheers, i will be fine just had to god i dont know i just had to.
xx
PPU,
I'm sorry. I let you down. I drank alone. I shouldn't have. Now, I'm crying alone. It didn't help. It didn't numb anything. Why? Why does it not work for me like it does for everyone else? All I wanted to do was forget for just a little while. Instead, all I got was a headache and a sick feeling in my stomach. Please don't be mad at me. I am sorry. I shouldn't have. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes. Like I have shit to be upset about. I don't even have real problems. Why do you even bother with me?
I hope you really feel my love for you. It's all I have. I don't have shit else to give. Just me. Just my fucked up self.
I hope that's enough. I do.
I care about you so much. I hope you feel that. I'm sorry for letting you down tonight. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.
Please help me to wake the fuck up...I need shaking. I need a reality check.
I feel so stupid.
Love,
S
Here's a song for you, Sdock.
I hope you find something in it tonight. I started singing it my head. And maybe those times when you don't have faith in yourself are the times when everyone else around you has double.
Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine
Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that's alright
Jimmy says it's better than here,
I'll tell you why
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright,
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine
Oh Novacaine
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright,
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine
It'll be different in the morning. I promise.
-♥-
Mustard
Okay, so after reading your goodnight post to Mayo, that may not have been the best choice of song.
But, sometimes when I feel a certain way, it helps to know there was and is someone out there feeling the exact same way.
You know, to not be alone and stuff.
I'm not disappointed in you.
You're welcome, Sdock.
Sleep tight, okay? I'll talk to you in the morning. :)
Ways To Get A Different View:
Items necessary-a mirror
Turn body away from mirror. Crane head backwards and face that shiny thing.
See? Different view!
Yeah, who was I kidding. I live the same day over and over again. I know exactly what I'll be doing minute to minute. I know what I'll be feeling minute to minute. Always the same stuff.
But, we can always try driving down the street the wrong way, pretending we're in Europe and stuff! That'd be WAY different. OR! We could purposely push someone, like, real gentle-like and then just walk away. That'd be funny! They'd be all like, "WTF?"
Just some suggestions ;)
Mustard
Just popping my head and hat in to say good morning!
I hope you have a delicious day.
Hi Socky.
Thanks for the blog message.
I know you mean well.
Think of it this way -- you get to have all the footballs for you 'n' the Princess. No more sharing with non-family members.
Thank you (and the Princess) for being so nice to me these last five months. It's meant a LOT to me.
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