Sunday, March 16, 2008

Crash

(Because you have to look)

screeching tires
metal on metal
glass breaking
what happened?
the last thing I remember
was wishing I was somewhere else
singing a song on the radio
Hall & Oates
Kiss Is On My List
I let myself be distracted
one hand on the wheel
the other rubbing my neck
or playing with my hair
thinking of how easy it would be
to run away
to do a wide eyed suicide drive
to disappear forever
but
what happened?
I don't remember.
I hear sirens
and people talking.
I can't make out what they are saying.
Can't focus.
Oh my God, is someone hurt?
I hear screaming
the most awful terrifying screams.
Please, someone help her.
She's saying, "No, no...not my baby!"
That's so sad
I'm cold
this ground is so cold
Why won't someone talk to me?
Where am I?
Couldn't they at least bring me a blanket?
Hello?
am I hurt?
I don't feel like I'm hurt
numb
surely that ambulance isn't for me
I can't wait to get home
someone will be here to get me in just a minute
I have so many things to do tomorrow
can't wait
I am going to fix everything
Oh
they are finally bringing me a blanket
nice
No, don't cover my face!
wait
what are you doing?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
STOP!

UNCOVER ME NOW!
I AM NOT DEAD!


DO YOU HEAR ME FUCKER?
I AM NOT DEAD! I AM NOT......






Oh my God, what have I done? Please forgive me.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, I don't even know what to say.

"It's like a slow motion replay of a car crash that never happened."

That's all that's repeating in my head right now.

Biggest question: Are you okay?

Anonymous said...

Oh man, Solly. That's really dark.

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that nothing I'm trying to say is coming out correctly.

And that I think it's absolutely normal to think about those things.

Goodnight, Sdock.

JocelynHolly said...

Sdock;

How are you sweetie? This post is one the darker side of the moon, but I must say, I like it. Do you ever have those days where you feel like you don't have enough time left to accomplish everything you want to in your life? Today was one of those days for me. I kept running things through my head, trying to figure out stuff. "Can I do this now? Maybe if I do this then I can squeeze this in.." Life's honestly too short. Our clocks start ticking from the time we take our first breath, to the time our hearts stop beating. Growing up is just dying in slow motion. Depressing thought or what? Enjoy every minute you have. Live your life to the fullest. I figured out that if I just sit back and let things flow, then I'm way more satisfied than I am when I'm rushing around freaking out over nothing.

I'm sorry, random babble. I miss you Sdock. Very much so. Honestly, I want to hug your guts out of you. =]

xoxox;
- 007

MissTottenham said...

Thank you for my birthday wishes.

I ♥ you sweetie.


I ♥ you loads and loads and loads and loads.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I missed you tonight.

Honestly, it felt weird.

I hope everything's okay, and that your Solly Colada was good!

And that it didn't end up all over your kitchen! >.<

See you later, Sdock!

Anonymous said...

Frozen Cakes and PanCokes forever!

^_^

Anonymous said...

Harty Har!

Damn straight. ;)

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

My head is reeling.

Hi.

Kitty very dizzy.

This post is so beautiful. It is tortured, it is anxious and sad and full of hurt. But beautiful.

I skip being online for a week and I come back to..... Oy vey.

I hope your weekend has some higher points, ligheter points.

Anonymous said...

Don't tell anyone at Mayo's, but I can't sleep.

I've hit every blog known to man in the last hour just thinking. I even came by here about 15 minutes ago to see if you were working on something.

You know I feel you. When I posted that, I was having this moment of clarity. I got it, and I felt like I got that person. But, more than that, I was overly joyful that they were in a much better place. Possibly much better than I am, but trying to change that.

Sdock, I think you, I, and others just need to keep working and chipping away at it. We know it won't come overnight, and it's frustrating because we just want relief in any form.

No, I don't think you will always be there. I think I see you becoming more aware of yourself and your needs every day.

I remember the first comment I made directly to you about the progress we were all showing, and I told you that when I first started reading your posts, you seemed so depressed, and so not with it.

I don't see that in you anymore. I think you're growing and realizing a lot of things that you didn't see or understand before, and I think the self-evaluation you've done while you've been here is proof enough to show that you can be where that person is now.

I think it just takes us time. Hell, I'm still working on it. It took years for that one to start being okay, so I know I'm not going to be there in two days, you know?

Keep in mind, this is a total moment of positivity. This can change tomorrow, and you know this. You could very well be having the same conversation with me in the coming days, trying to coach me.

I'm not giving up on you. I know you have it in you. I believe in you.

Fimble Star said...

can i just let you know that this post made me cry

i dont know why, just mad eme get shivers and i cried

it is 2.44am and i cant sleep.


nighty night solly, sweet dreams to you. forever and ever

anima said...

Solly, I ♥ you.

Sending you lots of smiles today.

Anonymous said...

SollyWolly, we are going steady! ^_^

anima said...

I ♥ you. Always.

Thank you so much. I am really okay. Just some silly shit. Felt like 'blogging it out' or something like that. ;)

farawaysoclose said...

hi solly dock!!

thanks for dropping by!
i feel the same babe!

i will tell that mr bloke!!

oh and fuck he knows my password now so today i have to change my password on EVERYTHING!!

Anonymous said...

I guess you're working and being cezy bizzy, but I am just popping in to wish you a good day. :)

Anonymous said...

I need something else to read, but no pressure. ;)

Sorry I wasn't around to say goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

I wish I knew what to do to help.

Turn it up a little louder. Sometimes it's the best remedy.

Goodnight, Sdock.

Jennicula said...

I read your post at Mayo's tonight.

Hang in there, sunshine. Here's something I was going through not so long ago. You're not alone in this world. Just remember that.

A Duel
We stand back to back. Take ten paces ahead and turn around. Arms raised, guns pointed. We pull our triggers. Rapid fire.

We each hit our marks. Anger, betrayal, secrets, hurt. The bullets tear into each soul. Once again, blasting away tender pieces that were only just glued back on a few days ago.

We look at the mess. We see that each bullet fired only wounded ourselves more. My shot to your head only brought me pain. Your shot to my heart only brought you pain.

We suck at being adversaries. Why is it that we are just learning this lesson now? There is no winner in this duel and we both know it. There will only be innocent bystanders taken down by all of this.

The mess is reminiscent of earlier in the week. Do we clean it up or walk away?

MissTottenham said...

*hands solly stick of rock*

I missed you while I was gone. I saw a pack of glowsticks for sale in a shop and all I could think of was you.

I love you sweetie.
xxxxxxx