I have refused to listen, refused to talk about it for too long. It wasn't coming out in a nice pretty poem or a cool clever story and it didn't hold my attention. How could I expect it to hold yours? You would not be entertained at all and appearances are everything, on with the show and all that bullshit. There will be no standing ovation for this one. One night only, no repeat performance. I will stand here naked and exposed and tell the whole story. Not just the parts that I love to tell, those are the ones that let me show off what a great actress I really am. Or so I thought. I think the sign of a really, really great actress is being able to take the boring parts of my so called life and make them into something interesting. Will I be able to do that? Can I create that illusion? We're about to find out.
I'm scared shitless that I don't have anything to say this morning. I wake up, but not really. I'm sleeping late again. Following routine after routine, more of the same. I speak in fragments and incoherent thoughts. I piss myself off and it's not even 10am yet. I swore that I would wake up and be someone completely different today, but I'm really stuck in character. I don't know if I can even play anyone else, not before breakfast. I'm unprepared. Forgetting my lines. The sun shines through the blinds in my room and it makes a lightning bolt on the wall. Striking. I can't remember being this nervous...sweaty palms, shaking knees, cold feet, dry mouth, churning stomach, pounding heart. Do I have it in me to pull this off? I make my way to the bathroom. I try to hum a tune, but it's not following in rhythm with the thumping in my chest and I keep missing the beat. Must find the right song for today. It's the one constant that changes...the music. I have to be able to hear the music. My bed is made, but the room is still a messy mess. Full of a life that is neither here, nor there. Some strange in between, that is sometimes comforting because in my head I can be anywhere, but sometimes frightening because I have no fucking clue where I belong.
I flip on the light, brush my teeth, wash my face. Foamy soap, warm water. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Wash it all away. Grab a towel. Pat dry. Open my eyes. Look in the mirror.....
You again? I smile.
Well, at least I know my lines.
Now all that's left is to find the right song.
The song to fit the dance.
The dance to get the crowd on their feet.
Something to move not only the audience, but myself.
One more show, just for today.
Give them what they came for.
They didn't come to see her, they came to see you.
Another sell-out performance!
Besides...
Who the fuck wants to play to half empty halls and echoes?
Sunday, November 9, 2008
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24 comments:
Wow. O_O That was mucho powerful. You made me sniffly, you! You're a remarkable person, please try and believe it!!
You're still not Mystical. Or Enigmatic.
♥
Hee-hee.
I came by to thank you, Solly, but this entry is so touching! Solly, there's no need to play any role and on any given day, you never have to have anything to say. It's not necessary to fill the silence. Sometimes silence is the best policy anyway. :)
And you are such a lovely person, there's never any reason to be anything other than your lovely self. :)
Amazing words.
I love you solly.
♥
LOL Solly, I think I would like to know your people who know people who know people who know people more.
Anwering for Terry--the special of the week is rump roast, cuz my kids always act like asses.
I meant Answering, of course. Blogger needs to put an edit option in, for reals.
If you're a hobbit does that mean you have big hairy feets? O_O
i love you solly!
sorry i haven't visited here in a while.
you are a sweetheart and a special person.
you make me sad, but i totally get it.
♥
Read what you wrote on Mayo's tonight, and I did the same thing, the angles, parallelograms, and oh, those rhombus things. Either way, it sucks to die (well, probably not so much for the dying person,but more so for the ones left) and the effect ripples. Someone dying set off my huge ass showing on the blog, after all. Grief, it's a weird ass thing that makes with the crazy. Sorry chose you for my rambling ramblingness. I just, like the way you write, I like your insights, and I just think you and your sis are amongst the cutest peoples peopleing the planet.
I'm just popping in to profess my love for solly.
♥
solly solly s o l l y s o l l y and s o l l y!!
just popping in to say HI!
i visited carrie and saw your name!
♥
hmmmmmm, that looked way better when i typed the fucker!!
it was like art or sommat?!!
i liked your art better solly! but then i have more letters to work with!!
Let's make a toast!
To love, life, and lots of FUCKS!
hahaha CHEERS solly!
I was swinging in here to lick you real quick, but I was abrubtly stalled mid-swing. I love reading your words Solly. You always write with heart and that's what I love about you. And you aren't afraid to share vulnerability. It's a beautiful thing...You are beautiful. The way you can express yourself through words is breathtaking.
*gently kisses your forehead*
...
*damnit, I can't help myself. I gotta lick your face. *slirp!*
Yummy!
&heart; you tons. Take care.
♥ of course. :)
Solly, your words are as beautiful as you are. I came by to say thanks for the wave and the sweet words. Hi Smoke. I just love reading you both!
Duh, I forgot to say it's me. Mummy K. Did you guess?
*squeezes Mummy K*
Hee-hee. ^_^
farawaysoclose said...
hmmmmmm, that looked way better when i typed the fucker!!
it was like art or sommat?!!
FASC was 'marting' on your blog, Solly. Muwahaha!!! ^_^
Mummy K! You put the biggest smile on my face today! Thank you so much for dropping by!
You just don't know how tempted I was to hop in the car and drive up to visit you last weekend.
Wait, what? How did I not find you?
*feels so much better*
So did Smoke ruin your Crow soundtrack? I have a feeling. Not for sure, but I think so....Hmmmm.
She's little shit isn't she?! [Princess, I love you!!!] Never had a little sister or an older one for that matter, but I can give you two trouble right?!
*squeezes you so tight*
Love you Solly.
P.S. *takes a lick just to be sure it's you* Yup! It's you!
Gorgeous.
Hi.
Solly, your words are beautiful.
I was thinking about you the other day and was wondering how you are doing?
I hope you're hanging in there.
xoxoxox
Life has just gotten in the way of fun these days. Not that I'm not having any fun, it's just busier fun. You know what I mean?
Like you, I'm busy as hell.
Guests are coming this weekend and then it's the holidays. Add a few more guests.
Man. I am just tired of people coming to my house and it's only just begun.
By the way, I do love your writing. It's soul baring and so touching.
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