Illusory

I have nightmares to make you giggle
and dreams you could never understand
like drinking up the sun
or holding fire in my hands

of being torn or sliced
into a thousand tiny pieces
or being teased and raped
by all your crazy demons

of drowning in the noise
just to be petrified by the silence
or sinking to the bottom
in an ocean filled with violence

of dancing naked on the moon
with rock n roll ghosts from outer space
or looking in the mirror
and for once, not seeing the devil's face

of writing lyrics to a song
with nothing but the color blue
or solving all the mysteries of life
like knowing every part of you

of painting all your walls
with every drop of my red blood
or shoving my heart down your throat
and choking you with my love

I have nightmares that make your shiver
and dreams you just might understand
like squeezing life out of the blazing sun
or holding your heart inside my hands

Last Will

My heart will always beat too fast
because it's scared of the slow down

I will hold my breath
because I'm thrown by the exhale

I will keep the white noise
because it drowns out the sound of my own voice

I will pay attention to detail
to shift my focus elsewhere

Your pain and your story
will always be more interesting than mine

I will collect pretty words
because I don't feel pretty at all

I will let you in
because I want you to test my limits

And you will validate me
because I'll let you push my buttons

I will toss you bits and pieces
because I am broken

I won't finish anything
because I don't know where to start

I will get in my own way
all the time, every time

I can't leave you alone
because then you'll be lonely

I will throw myself at you
because I've been thrown away

You will have all my love
because I don't need any for myself




(Trying to get over a severe case of writer's block here...I don't know what I'm so afraid of. It shouldn't be this hard to listen to yourself. Here's hoping this unlocks some doors.)

Drowning Out

We were riding together
to somewhere
I don't remember where
to some place
to a place you wanted to go
I'm sure
I was driving
I was always driving
Because you were always drinking
or
always going to be drinking
So
I was driving
You were riding
And we were headed somewhere

And I asked you
if I could listen to some music
You said you didn't care
I told you this was my favorite song

I didn't need your approval
I didn't expect you to sing along
All you had to do
was
acknowledge it
acknowledge me
sit quietly
and
listen

But
instead
you reached over
pushed the button
and turned it off

Turned me off

And you said
something
about
how you just couldn't stand
listening
to that shit
anymore

And
yet
you kept talking
and talking
and talking
and wondering
why I was being so quiet

I'm listening

Until
I reach over
and push the button
turn the music back on

I can't stand listening to your shit anymore

Why
couldn't you
just
let
me
sing?

And

We are still riding
somewhere

I'm still driving
I'm still singing
You're still talking
You're still drinking
We're still riding
And we're headed
straight
for nowhere