Desperate to be inspired...or inspired by being desperate?
I have no fucking clue. I'm writing this blindly. Usually my posts are more thought out and I have some sort of outline or plan, but not this one. This one had to be this way. I had to challenge myself to see where it was all coming from. I sit now in the quiet of my house, and I am missing something. What's worse is that I don't know what it is I am missing. I just know that I am so far from being a complete person. There are pieces of me scattered about...here, there, everywhere. She has some, he has some, you have some...and very little is left for me. I give away all the good parts so freely. I know what I need...I need music. My life support...my blood supply. I need a transfusion. Whew, there that's better. I haven't heard this CD in so long....Romanza. Surprised much? Yes, I listen to all that moves me. I must be able to feel it. I used to have it all figured out. What the fuck happened to me? The music isn't loud enough....ok, better. Now, I am moved to tears. I need to cry, but I stop myself again. I have been told by too many what a waste of time and energy it is....the story of my whole life...a waste. Wondering and wandering around. Just existing. Trying so hard so give love away....thinking that somehow it will make me feel loved. I know that I'm just trying to make up for the fact that I don't love myself. Repeat much? I'm sensing a theme here.
And all I have is this....
Words...Pages...My subconscious neatly written in a spiral bound notebook. I guard it with my life. If it fell into the wrong hands, the truth would be laid out for all to see. Some are not ready....I am not ready. I am scared. So scared of not feeling...of this being all there is. What if this is all I am good at? Talking to myself? Where will that get me in life? Oooh, I know....crazyville.
My dark corner....my favorite place. You are there with me. We've made it this far. I never thought you'd sit with me, but you did. Sometimes I reach for you, sometimes you reach for me.....sometimes we miss each other...and a couple of times we even held hands.
You know "almost" is my favorite word, don't you? So are you almost ready to go on that walk with me? Yeah, and I'm almost ready to be honest with myself.....almost.
p.s. Destination Unknown
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I'm coming back tonight, when the day is done, and when I settle in for an awaiting long, groggy sleep and I will tell you how this really makes me feel. But for right now, I leave you with this word.
Identical
Desperate to be inspired, or inspired by being desperate?
Which came first, the music or the misery?
I often ponder both. I've not found the answer. Sometimes I think it can go both ways. Desperate for inspiration tonight. Probably nothing tomorrow. Second question? Misery for me. But then some lyrics out there just make me wanna take a leap off a fucking cliff. Some are too painful, thus causing the misery. Depends on the day, or hour, or minute you know.
I sit now in the quiet of my house[...]. I just know that I am so far from being a complete person.
I feel really shitty for copying your words to talk about them. But, I don't know of another way. I sit in the quiet of my own mind every second of my life. No one else will ever get that but me. The thing is, I never find anything up there. Just blankness and void. No answers. Just questions. Sometimes I feel like I have them. I grab on so tight, they slip right through my fucking fingers. Then I'm left kneeling on a rainy two-way and not knowing where to turn. And it all happens in a split-second. Sometimes I feel like I know what I need to make all of this okay. Other times I don't and I'm completely lost. The days where I don't know somehow turn out to be better because I have nothing to compare it to. Don't ask me how that works, but in my head it does. And then sometimes, I just feel nothing. I'm just numb.
I know what I need...I need music.
Only thing I look foward to waking up to in the morning if you want the God's honest truth. I don't really want to know what would happen the other way around. That's why I don't think about it. It's all I have. It's all that I have to tell my story because I suck trying to put it in my own words. And it's so much easier to hand someone a set of lyrics and say, "Here you go."
It's not a waste of time. Honest. Just let it out. Don't turn back.
...The story of my whole life...a waste.
You know what? I feel like this, maybe not all the time, but lets say 85% of it. There are some good days where I feel like a productive human being who actually deserves a spot in this world. I always think how I could do so much better, that there are millions of people out there helping others and doing good deeds, but then I stop and think. I'm still trying to help myself. How in the world can I help someone else? I guess this could be said for relationships, too. But, damn it if it still doesn't hurt my heart like hell.
Because I couldn't have said it any better:
Wondering and wandering around. Just existing. Trying so hard so give love away....thinking that somehow it will make me feel loved. I know that I'm just trying to make up for the fact that I don't love myself. Repeat much? I'm sensing a theme here.
I know.
So, we are both scared to let others see. Scared to see the words in all their glory. Scared to look in the mirror. Scared to be turned inside out. Scared for people to know. Just scared. I don't have to say welcome to my life. You're already in my shoes, and me in yours.
I don't know if he's ready to go on that walk, but I've been packed and ready. I'm just a little hesitant because I'm scared of what I will find.
Hey Sdock? Will this, all of this, ever stop?
Mustard,
Thank you for listening to me. I say it and I say it but you must know how much it means to have someone read and completely understand. I wrote this with nothing today...nothing in mind but the title. But I had to do it today...I had already waited too long and I needed to post. If I hadn't done it, I ran the risk of not doing it again. But you reminded me that I needed to, that I had to. I know what Mayo means when he says he goes over and over shit in his brain...believe me dude, I fucking know. My mind never stops. My gut never stops worrying.
Mustard, you ask me will it stop? I have no fucking idea...and maybe we're like Mayo...maybe that's what we're scared of...maybe...
We don't want it to stop..
No, I seriously want it to stop. I want the inside of me to be okay. I don't want to hurt in there anymore. I just want some answers is all I want.
I know I'm not making this more miserable than it really is. I know there are people so much worse off than I am. I know there are people who want to die, who want to not live here anymore. That's the worst it could be. I'm not there. I just want to be okay. I want you to be okay. I want Mayo to be okay. I'm not asking for a miracle for all of us, just something that will make us (lemme say it for the tenth time already) okay.
Know what I mean?
Wears you out? Yeah, I know.
Sdock.
I know how you feel. We're all on a journey to find ourselves, it takes others longer, and some a shorter time to fit the pieces together. Don't let it get you down hun. Don't let anyone bring you down. You're life isn't a waste. You really are a beautiful person. You were the first to comment on my blog, the first to welcome me. I love you with all of my heart.
You're going to crazyville too, bub? I think we both are. Hop on the bus. It is non-stop and they serve cookies.
Almost is such a beautiful word. It has so much uncertainty, yet it has hope.
You think I put a smile on your face? Well, honestly, my smile is a hundred times bigger when you are around.
And I always imagine what it would be like to hear you laugh because for some reason I bet you have the most amazing laugh.
Sdock, you would laugh if you heard my laugh. I've been told that I sound like a squirrel. No joke. Ask any of my friends. Too bad I like changing it up every now and then to hide my true laugh. =]
I will always be here for you. To talk to, to laugh with, to cry with. Don't ever forget that.
All my love;
&& a zillion hugs to the end of the universe and back.
- 007
One more question.
How do we have answers for everyone else but ourselves?
I need to still read your blog. So I can't comment yet. Also, I just got your other comment, but here's a quick thing first.
I do not know about the pussy cat. I actually did know that he was a fan of this band, I always wondered, but never talked about it.
If I don't see you on DM tonight, I will definitely talk to you tomorrow. ;)
Love,
Anima
*did not know. I'm a moron. Sorry.
Hey Sdock :)
I wanted to check on you. You don't seem your "normal" self today. I was just making sure everything's okay.
Is everything okay?
It's not a problem that you're more of yourself today...maybe. I just noticed a difference and I wanted to make sure :)
You know where I am if you need to talk. I never get tired of reading your words.
Maybe it's because I see myself in them.
Love you as well,
Mustard
Hi Socky, baby!
Instead up being inspired or desperate, why not just be?
There's no rule book to figuring it all out, y'know... if there was, I would have found it by now. God knows I've been searching for it long enough.
Love to you, S -- I haven't been online for a few days (work & holiday preps), but I'm always around if you needs me. *hugz*
- Fricky Nikki, aka Sis Midnite
Sdock, you are such an amazing person. I really wish there was a way I could help you to love yourself. You are just so damn special. I wrote something to you the other night. I will send it to you later.
I'm thinking about you, always.
Het babes, I'm not so good at the long heartfelt speeches so I just popped in to tell you that I love you.
I love you more and more each day sweetie.
sdock I left you a message at Mayo's but I don't think you can load the page anymore. It was in response to your comment about being broken and messed up.
I said that we are not broken and messed up ...we are unique.
Oh and as for the almost. Believe me you are not more "unique" then me. I'm one fucked up "unique" person.
Oh and one more thing....If Mayo hasn't fallen in love with you then he's a fool.
Sdock, I haven't seen you today so I wanted to leave you a big wet slobbery snog.
xxxxxxxx
*runs in, grabs sdock in a passionate embrace and snogs her breath away*
*leaves while sdock is still fanning herself*
Sdock;
I love you like a fat kid loves cake! ^_^
All my hugs! *HUG*
- 007
*Runs naked through sdocks blog wearing nothing but nipple tassles.*
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