Happy Jappy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

Setting The Stage

I have refused to listen, refused to talk about it for too long. It wasn't coming out in a nice pretty poem or a cool clever story and it didn't hold my attention. How could I expect it to hold yours? You would not be entertained at all and appearances are everything, on with the show and all that bullshit. There will be no standing ovation for this one. One night only, no repeat performance. I will stand here naked and exposed and tell the whole story. Not just the parts that I love to tell, those are the ones that let me show off what a great actress I really am. Or so I thought. I think the sign of a really, really great actress is being able to take the boring parts of my so called life and make them into something interesting. Will I be able to do that? Can I create that illusion? We're about to find out.

I'm scared shitless that I don't have anything to say this morning. I wake up, but not really. I'm sleeping late again. Following routine after routine, more of the same. I speak in fragments and incoherent thoughts. I piss myself off and it's not even 10am yet. I swore that I would wake up and be someone completely different today, but I'm really stuck in character. I don't know if I can even play anyone else, not before breakfast. I'm unprepared. Forgetting my lines. The sun shines through the blinds in my room and it makes a lightning bolt on the wall. Striking. I can't remember being this nervous...sweaty palms, shaking knees, cold feet, dry mouth, churning stomach, pounding heart. Do I have it in me to pull this off? I make my way to the bathroom. I try to hum a tune, but it's not following in rhythm with the thumping in my chest and I keep missing the beat. Must find the right song for today. It's the one constant that changes...the music. I have to be able to hear the music. My bed is made, but the room is still a messy mess. Full of a life that is neither here, nor there. Some strange in between, that is sometimes comforting because in my head I can be anywhere, but sometimes frightening because I have no fucking clue where I belong.

I flip on the light, brush my teeth, wash my face. Foamy soap, warm water. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Wash it all away. Grab a towel. Pat dry. Open my eyes. Look in the mirror.....

You again? I smile.

Well, at least I know my lines.

Now all that's left is to find the right song.

The song to fit the dance.

The dance to get the crowd on their feet.

Something to move not only the audience, but myself.

One more show, just for today.

Give them what they came for.

They didn't come to see her, they came to see you.

Another sell-out performance!

Besides...

Who the fuck wants to play to half empty halls and echoes?

dis(EN)courage-d

looking for the things that I have misplaced

strength
hope

i have plenty of love to give.

maybe we could work on a trade.

don't talk to the last person that I gave my love to. he might tell you that i'm not so good at it.

what am i good at?

give me a second, let me think on it.

babbling
rambling


nothing

that's it.

now make something of it.

Drawing My Own Conclusions

Yes, I can have more than one.

No, I won't show you what they looked like.

Strangely enough, one resembled a doodle that I had drawn just the other day.

Now, go draw your own.

Go on.

You can wave your tracing paper in front of my face all day long and I still won't change my mind.

I'm stubborn like that.

Somewhere Between the Static and the Song

it comes and it goes
it ceases and it flows
it hides and it shows
from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows

You say, "What?"

I say, "Everything!"

We paddle, we swim, we fight, and we float to catch the wave and ride it for as long as we can (or as long as we have to, whatever the case may be).

Happiness
Sadness

Love
Hate

Excitement
Depression

Hope
Devastation

Broken
Healing

Laughter
Tears

Fighting
Defeated

Insomnia
Fatigue

Insane
Mundane

Typical
Extraordinary

Feast
Famine

Words
Silence

The Static
The Song

And let's just leave it at that, shall we?





p.s. Are you a(MUSE)d?

Eye

I am...

a lifetime of almosts
and unrealized potential

nothing of significance
and everything inconsequential

anxiety and worry
and everything you dread

a thousand empty promises
and all the words you should have said

a thief who wants to steal your secret to happiness
and keep it all for myself

that book you never bothered to read
gathering dust up on that shelf

a knot inside your stomach
and a nagging unraveling thread

the thoughts you try to bury
and all the voices inside your head

a perfectly folded paper airplane
ready to fly in the pouring rain

all the questions you never asked
and the things you can't explain

a ship without a captain
and rip right down the sails

a black cat across your path
and a penny that's on tails

cards, letters, and memories
that you've shoved in a box

the one who barges in
without ever bothering to knock

a grain of sand in your eye
and the taste of blood in your mouth

a barricade that stands in the way
between you and your only way out

the butterfly you had to touch
with bruised and broken wings

the monster under your bed
and 8 hours of sleep without dreams

the growling in your belly
and the itch you cannot scratch

the thirst that never gets quenched
and the knife twisting in your back

dry grass underneath your feet
and the flower that never blooms

the terrible awkward silence
in a crowded room

a trainwreck
a horrible natural disaster

and all the tiny details
you convinced yourself didn't matter

all the things you don't see
when you stop and stare

all the things you never tried
because you were too damned scared

the stain on your favorite shirt
that even bleach won't wash away

a summertime thunderstorm
when all you want is to go outside and play

a song without a chorus
a poem that will never rhyme

the ticking of the clock
when you're trying your hardest to stop time

a thousand shards of glass
lying on the floor

all the things you've left undone
and every unopened door

an outstretched hand
just waiting to be held

just the right person to buy
all the bullshit you're trying to sell

the tingle down your spine
and the warm breath on the back of your neck

all the lies you tell yourself
and the secrets you never kept

the hope that fills your soul
and the faith that brings you back

the sorrow that turns you blue
and every shade of black

a billion shining stars
that you can't see on a cloudy night

everything that is wrong
but somehow feels so right

a scarred and broken heart
just waiting to be loved

I'm everything and nothing
and all of the above





And you are??

Why (not)?!.

I'm sitting here just like I always do. Here it is again. Sunday afternoon. Both comforted and terrified. It's exactly the same as it was last week and 40 Sundays before. Alone with myself. The person that I can stand the least is the only one who understands me. Suffocating. If I allow myself to become lost in my own thoughts, I might drown. Sometimes, I must confess, that is my fantasy. Not to drown and die, of course. Just to drown, drift away, and wake up in an underwater world. I would not really float. I could sit on the bottom and watch. But enough of that, here and now, I sit. Lost in words. Knowing this will never quite make sense and not really caring if it does. I just want something new to look at. Let's be honest. The other post was getting old and stale. I read my words too often and they lose their original meaning. It ends up just sounding silly. A pathetic attempt to make myself sound more interesting than I really am. I hope you realize as you are reading this, that 2 people are responsible for what ends up on this page. Me and her. Never quite sure who will speak the loudest or make the best case. I am only 2 hands that attempt to type fast enough to get the words out. Backspace and delete when they let me know that I'm not getting it right. I am a puppet and they pull my strings. I wish they would work together and get me the fuck out of here. Out of this chair. I sit crooked in front of this screen and it hurts my shoulder, but they are not finished. Not done. More to say. Don't they realize that it doesn't matter anyway. I sigh. They laugh. Not strong enough to fight the both of them off at once. Yet they are never separated.

Do you ever think? Think that everything is nothing but a big fucking pile of shit. Everything you thought you knew, thought you recognized, thought you believed in, thought was real, thought you could count on...........is nothing. It never existed. You created all this to get you through. To compensate. To get you by. To fool yourself. To not feel alone.

Silly girl.

Look around you.

Do you recognize anything or anyone at all?

What do you really know?

Who do you really know?

Do you even know yourselves?






Liar.

so glad you came

lamer than lame
dreadfully mundane
moderately insane
standing too close to the flame
while praying for rain
aboard the crazy train
folding a tiny paper airplane
fake happiness and fame
always the same
does no good to complain
I never refrain
from scrubbing the stain
or going against the grain
circling the drain
my self inflicted pain
mangled and maimed
I suck at this game
padlocked and chained
with nothing to gain
making no claims
naming no names
adrenaline pumps through my veins
pulling tightly on the reins
in the wrong fucking lane



with only myself to blame



("What? You really thought I'd blame someone else?")




As a side note and to further EXPLAIN how lame and insane I am, it took me more than a week to realize that I had made a stupid spelling mistake in this entry. Fuck you, blogger. You should be able to just know what word I am trying to use. Want to know how it CAME to me? As a vision, right before I was about to attempt to fall asleep. Like a flash....reign, rain, rein....damnit! And it still took me damn near 2 days later to fix it.

And that, my friends, is a true fucking story.

Identity Crisis

I know you
you think you know me
but do you
really?
How can you be so sure?
You know
what I look like
the color of my hair
my eyes
my outside
You know
only the pieces
I let
you
see
And even those
are
a
distorted
illusion
of
a
mask
that I create
to face
the outside world
Notice
that I never
look you in the eye
the clever way
I let my hair hang
the frumpy mess
of a wardrobe
Do you know
what lies
the lies
what lies
underneath it all?
Are you brave enough
to try
and find
me?
Underneath
the skin
the scars
the outer layer
that I think is bulletproof
and shatter resistant
is where
it
all
begins
it
ends
And I hold the power
in my hands
my hands
to either
let you in
or shut you out
to make it pretty
as ugly can be
or tear it all down
and the blood
will drip
and pool on the floor
and I will
take my hands
take my fingers
and write
the answer
the answer to the question
the question
that you've been dying
to know the anwer to......
Who am I?

If I only knew.....

Blues

For a brief moment
I was there
I was laughing and happy
suspended
floating
ecstatic

I had everything
I could hear the music
Your voice, your words
so beautiful
so touching
so tragic

I was not lonely
I fit in
with this crowd
exciting
amazing
pure magic

Now that it's over
I close my eyes
trying to go back
in time
that place
that night
If I could
I would
and I promise that this time
I would hold on and grab it.

Time moved so fast
I blinked
and I'm back
in this fucked up reality of life
And I'll spend my time
waiting
hoping
and wishing
not knowing how much longer
I can stand it.

p.s. And just like that, it was over.

A Haunting Reminder

You keep me close
just to knock me down
and as I struggle
to get to my feet
You kick me in my gut
I curl up in ball
and roll over
The bottom of your shoe
on my face
I know what it tastes like
I have licked it before
Your words punch me
like the fists of a great heavyweight
Tears fill my eyes
and run down my dirty face
I vomit blood
and You are angry
that I made a mess
all over your nice, clean floor
All that remains
is a stain
that won't come clean
Not even with bleach
Take the chalk
and draw an outline of my body
I am dead
You killed me
And as I leave my body
and look at myself
I vow to never leave your side
I will be with you for eternity
You will never be able to run fast enough
or far enough to escape me
When you close your eyes,
you will see me
When you open your eyes,
you will see me
I will be in the rearview mirror
I will be in your dreams
I will be in your thoughts
I will be the person sitting across from you at the dinner table
You will hear me
I will whisper in your ear
I will be the song on the radio
I will be reason you can't sleep
I will be knot in you stomach
the lump in your throat

I will be with you....

Always.

Crash

(Because you have to look)

screeching tires
metal on metal
glass breaking
what happened?
the last thing I remember
was wishing I was somewhere else
singing a song on the radio
Hall & Oates
Kiss Is On My List
I let myself be distracted
one hand on the wheel
the other rubbing my neck
or playing with my hair
thinking of how easy it would be
to run away
to do a wide eyed suicide drive
to disappear forever
but
what happened?
I don't remember.
I hear sirens
and people talking.
I can't make out what they are saying.
Can't focus.
Oh my God, is someone hurt?
I hear screaming
the most awful terrifying screams.
Please, someone help her.
She's saying, "No, no...not my baby!"
That's so sad
I'm cold
this ground is so cold
Why won't someone talk to me?
Where am I?
Couldn't they at least bring me a blanket?
Hello?
am I hurt?
I don't feel like I'm hurt
numb
surely that ambulance isn't for me
I can't wait to get home
someone will be here to get me in just a minute
I have so many things to do tomorrow
can't wait
I am going to fix everything
Oh
they are finally bringing me a blanket
nice
No, don't cover my face!
wait
what are you doing?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
STOP!

UNCOVER ME NOW!
I AM NOT DEAD!

DO YOU HEAR ME FUCKER?
I AM NOT DEAD! I AM NOT......






Oh my God, what have I done? Please forgive me.

Told You So

Be careful when you touch me
I will cling to you like a stain
I'll slice you like a razorblade
and make you scream from the pain

Don't bother wasting time on me
I'm shattered and I'm broken
How can you put me back together
When you don't even know me.

I'm not saying this to hurt you
although honesty often does
You think you see right through me
but I'm as clear as mud

I will only let you hold
the pieces I don't need
I save the sharp ones for myself
and use them to make me bleed

See I warned you not to get to close
I'll ruin your favorite shirt
You can't cease the blood flow
for someone who likes to hurt

So now I'm on your clothes
and your hands are rusty red
Don't say I didn't warn you
You should have listened to what I said

Spring

Butterfly wings
Bumble bees
Birds tweet and chirp
Dogs rolling in the grass
My back door opening and closing
Headphones blaring
Skin becoming pink from the sun
Flip flops
Ice melting in my glass
Wasps buzzing
Blooms and blossoms
Windows rolled down
Back porch barbecues
Resting in the hammock
Ponytails
Bass fishing
Four wheeler trails back dirt roads
Climbing fences
Children playing outside until dark
Hiding a bouquet of flowers behind your back wanting to surprise your mama
Catching bugs
Picking up rocks
Laughter
Love
Family
Friends

A new beginning for all......



Baby girl, this is the time of year that I miss you the most. Oh how you loved the outdoors. Grandma would let you pick every last flower in her yard. Ladybugs and rollie pollies. You saw the beauty in every living thing. I can still see you standing at my door...the bluest eyes, the blondest hair, the sweetest smile, the purest heart. I miss you. Every single day that goes by, I miss you. But I know, that you walk beside me and with me throughout my life. You are my little angel.

Addiction

I need it to survive.

To feel it flow through my body.

My heart beats faster and faster, and then I am calm.

A high like no other high in the world.

The withdrawal makes me lose my mind. If I am without it for more than a couple of days, I start going crazy. I scratch and claw at my skin. I can't stand myself.

I have it now. I am feeding my addiction. It runs through my veins. I feel it go through my body. I breathe deeply. I close my eyes. And I am there.....

Exactly where I need to be.


Transfused for another day, I have my fix.








And when it's done, I will play the song again. It's brand new each time.


I would die without it.

Ready, Aim......MISFIRE!

So, this is something I wrote a couple of days ago. I'm trying to read my scribbling chicken scratch. I hope it makes sense. This is how stuff comes and goes for me...in bursts. Like a fiery explosion going off in my head.

I am sitting here at my desk. Why am I not working? Because I can't focus. It seems to be a growing problem for me these days. Distractions. That's a harsh word. Okay, not really distractions as much as attractions. My mind drifts back. I'm back to that again. And it's a question that shouldn't even matter to me, yet it does. You matter to me. What a dreadfully long day this has turned out to be. It's terribly crowded in my head, but one thought stands out. Yeah, that one.

I'm here, but not really. Wonder if anyone at the top notices. I'm quite sure she does, but she leaves me to it. She can see that I am determined to get this out. Sitting across from me, it would be hard not to pay attention to me. I'm pretty good at pretending, but my little black notebook gives me away. The notebook that I guard with my life. It holds it all and I give it to you.

I need quiet and the phone keeps ringing. People can hear the disgust in my voice. I should learn to play the part and be nice. I might be the last person these fuckers get to talk to. That's a touch dramatic, but still. I already ate my lunch...slaw dog and tater logs. Southern fried greasy perfection. No, not really. It wasn't even close. I just want quiet time to write this and I am not getting it.

That will cause my moods to swing and shift and spiral downward.

Tee-dah! I am golden. I just solved a crisis. Not mine. Work related. Score one for Solly! I rock this multi-tasking thing pretty fucking hard.

Why am I talking to you about my boring life? I guess I have somehow convinced my twisted little mind that you somehow care inspite of me. Am I delusional in my assessment? Slightly, I am sure. I am the most uninteresting person that I don't really know.

Yeah, that's right.

Why would I bother to listen to myself?

I much prefer to listen to what others think of me.

Depending on who it is, I can build myself up or completely blow myself to bits.

Either way, it gives me ammunition for my gun.

Will I turn it on all of them or save one bullet and turn the gun on myself?

Lonely

With you

In a crowd

In a room full of people

Around my friends


I'm still by myself.



Seconds slipping slowly sadly from my Saturday.


p.s. I should be somewhere else.

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE'S TO ME!

I will tell myself.


I will be my own.


I will kiss myself goodnight.


I will hold myself.


I will love myself.




Starting next year.

Look For Me In Those Deep, Dark Corners of Your Mind

It's my hiding place. But not really. I just gave it away. Can you see me? Can you hear me? I'm talking to you. Yeah, YOU. Uh-huh, I know you hear me. I think I'll stay here for a long while. You need me here. You don't even realize it yet. But I will make you see. I will show you.

You can't get rid of me. Not that easily. I will take up residence. I packed my bags and I'm prepared to ride it out. As long as it takes. Do you know how stubborn I am? I never give up. I will infest your every thought. I will creep up on you in everything you do. You will try to push me out, but you will always turn back to me.

You will feel my love with every heartbeat. Thump...thump...thump. Slice your arms open and it will be my blood that spills out. Not yours. I feed you. I keep you alive.


And I will never leave you.

I can't.

I never learned how to leave. I only know how to stay.

And here is where I am.

For the rest of my miserable life.

Or until........


p.s. And this is how it could be.

I Keep Remembering to Forget Myself

How is that possible?

It's too easy.

What does that even mean?

Fuck if I know.

Who were we talking about again?

Nobody.....She's not important.

Road Block

Nothing
Something
What
Not
Words
Heard
Share
Bare
Attention
Retention
Sustain
Refrain
Happy
Sappy
Hurt
Worth
Shame
Name
Slice
Twice
Truth
Sleuth
Shaken
Taken
Cold
Bold
Pause
Cause
Might
Fright
Open
Floating
Free
Sleep
Ask
Mask
Fake
Take
Lies
Cries
Child
Wild
Storm
Warm
Talking
Walking
Running
Shunning
Mirrors
Fears
Sick
Tricks
Contortion
Absorption
Twisted
Shifted
Inside
In time
Purge
Splurge
Puke
Fluke
Craziness
Laziness
Insanity
My family
Fits
Drifts
Pieces
Sleeplessness
Addicted
Afflicted
Wreckage
Message
Bury
Carry
Poison
Wanton
Ripping
Slipping
Tearing
Caring
Heart
Apart
Faith
Raped
Locked
Stocked
Ready
Steady
Repeat
Retreat

P.S. Once more, take it from the top.

Running With Razorblades

I lied to you just the other day.

Did you know?

You looked me in the eye and asked me a question.

I answered and laughed.

You believed me.

Only because you have no reason to doubt me.

It wasn't even a good lie.

The illusion of truth is hidden behind deception, magnificent story telling, and straight faced lying.

Can you find it?

Do you even know what I am talking about?





Don't mind me. I'm not even talking to you.


I'm just talking to myself again.....


Or is that another lie too?


p.s. Cuts both ways, right?

Spinning While Standing Still

So it goes
Another day is gone
Nobody knows
If we'll get another one







p.s. So what did you do today?

What An Amazing View

Standing on the edge
Believing I can fly
100% chance of failure
Will it matter if I try?





So I am done waiting for a full page of fluid thoughts to come my way, I am about to write this shit as it comes to me. It might make sense or it might not. But this shit has got to go. And I am tired of waiting.....


Feel me?

Fuck yes, you do.


p.s. Cliffhanger



A work in progress is what I have become....


Swinging

Tap, tap, tap
Goes my pen on my page
Leaving nothing but little dots
I'm empty
But enraged.

It will be a miracle
if I can complete a single thought.
In between the dots are scribbles,
Really, I should just fucking stop.

Sometimes you have to face it
that you have nothing new to say.
Now, I am drawing smiley faces
and wasting the day away.

Tap, tap, tap
I hear the sound again.
If I could only find the words,
I'd get tons of use out of my new friend.

I've hidden all the answers
So deep within my heart.
I can't blame you for not finding them.
Fuck, I don't even know where to start.

I'm not asking you to read me
or for you to even listen.
But just in case you happen to,
Can you by chance tell me what I'm missing?

My smiley faces stop
and I am now drawing flowers.
I'm still not digging deep enough
and I'm such a fucking coward.

So for now I will put my pen away
and give this shit a rest.
And I'll go back to doing nothing
Afterall, it's what I do best.


p.s. 2 for 1 deal today

I Should Come With A Warning Label

Fragile
Handle With Care
Sharp Edges
Toxic
Dangerous
Flammable
Could Cause Drowsiness, Nausea, Sleeplessness, Irritability, Blurred Vision
Please Read Instruction Manual Thoroughly
May Stain Skin or Clothing
Rated R for Extreme Profanity and Violence